Counting in weeks

Thursday 9 October: 24 weeks today.  I am so ill again today I had to leave work after 2.5 hours. So here I am lying in bed with another bout of bronchitis. Another week has passed. I still count in weeks. I'm not sure when I will start counting in months and the thought of years is paralyzing. I dread the 1 year mark. I dread the first Christmas without you, your birthday in January.

Counting weeks in ways reminds me of becoming a mother.  When my precious son was born like all mothers I counted the days, then weeks, then months.  Because every day was significant, a precious milestone to be savored, memorable. After 24 months you make the transition to counting in years and months...somewhere between 2 years and older you drop the months and count in years. You relax and get used to the idea of passing time.

The similarities end there.  This passing of time now is not a celebration of the precious milestone of every day, it is one slow step after the other of grief and pure pain - all happening in slow motion. I don't know when I will start counting your departure from this world in months. I am afraid to. Afraid of acknowledging our separation has been months; a reluctance to let go of the yardstick called a week.  I cannot acknowledge that it has been nearly 6 months that I have not seen you, 6 months since you held me, 6 months since I heard your voice.  A truth I cannot absorb.  The transition to months and years is unthinkable and a reality that is impossible for my heart and mind to accept.

I grieve body, soul and spirit.  Cast down in deep grief, my body ill and struggling to survive without your sustaining love to live for every day, yet somehow staying alive when all I want is to be with you.  I wish I were able to follow advise and be thankful for the joy you brought into my life, to celebrate the time we were granted and rejoice in the fact that one day we will be together again, but my soul and heart can only feel loss and pain.  Unable to feel joy in your absence.  Unable to find a will to carry on this life alone.   Nothing stops the tears.  And when the tears don't fall as an outward manifestation - it continues to rain in my heart.  All I can do is cling to God's love and promises of eternal life and happiness....one day it will be a reality.