Burdens Too Heavy

We each will carry, for the rest of our lives, the burdens of last words spoken, last actions taken, memories of a moment in time that was beyond our control. Our souls will bear the guilt of what we did or didn't do because we are human and humans tend to blame themselves whether they are to fault or not. We will cry for that second chance, for just a brief time to tell them how much we love them for we didn't know that day would be our last. We are all different in our pain and sorrow but our tears are the same as they flow for the ones we no longer have. My heartache goes deeper than loss or grief or sorrow. There are no words invented for what we are going through though we all try to find them anyway, try to express this profound and forever change in a world gone cold.

I cry for the little boy who skinned his knee, tears in his eyes as he called to me. I cry for the teenager who wanted be accepted but who tolerated rejection and still helped and loved those who rejected him. I cry for the young man who's dream was to be happy and have a family. I cry for the little boy he left behind. I cry for the injustices he suffered in silence and his inability to see he was worth the moon and the stars. I cry for your lost ones too. We did not lose just love, we lost the universe. Now we are lost among the stars, searching for a new home to rest our weary hearts. We find this world is a burden almost too heavy to carry.

As each day carries me further away from the last time I saw my son alive, I still hear his voice, his last words to me, 'I love you mom.' And I am grateful, so terribly grateful that those were the words he spoke. I hear the love in his words and the tone of his voice. I worry that I will lose that ability to hear him. I look at his picture everyday so I will not lose the image of him, the memory of him. My mother had sudden onset dementia and I worry that it will happen to me, that the only memory that will be left to me is his death. I have to learn all over again to not worry for what will be will be and can only hope that the mercies of the universe decide I have carried a heavy enough burden without adding that to it.

The time spent with Tim's son helps even as it hurts. Sky has so many traits of his daddy. He also has an amazing memory for a five year old. I hope he will always remember how much Tim loved him, how he was Tim's whole world. Sky has Tim's love for all things, his wonder, his forgiveness. After ten months, Sky finally accepted that daddy is not coming home. It was hard to hear those words from that little boys mouth. His daddy was his hero, his best friend. We have tried to carry Sky's burden too even though we know he will carry it himself. We can only hope that our love for him will help him as his love has helped us.

Each moment, we walk with this loss. It does not matter where we are or what we are doing, the ache is there to remind us that we are not complete anymore. The emptiness is not what it seems either for the love we hold for those we have lost is within that space, it will always be there. There are many things that will trigger our sorrow to greater depths each and every day. There will also be things, in time, that will pull us a little ways from that hurt. Yeah, we'll fall back in, but we will come out too for longer periods of time. We have this burden to carry. It will always be there for we have loved that deeply. We will not regret that love only the loss of it. We will find it hard to love others for fear of that pain repeating, but love decides, not us. We can only hide and deny love for so long. I never want to hurt like this ever again but I know that it is possible that I will. It tells me that I must love while I can so I won't regret not sharing that love later.

There are many burdens we will carry in our lives. Some of them we only carry so far before we can shrug them off. Loss of the ones we love is not a burden we can drop off somewhere.  It is a load we learn to bend with, to walk with, to live with. It will always be there, on our shoulders. Time will make it different for many of us, but time will not take it away. I miss my son with my whole heart. I miss his laugh, his voice, his smell. I miss talking with him, hugging him. I miss his love. Some days, the pain is so dominate, I can't breath all over again. The memories so painful that the tears fall harder. Some days, the burden is too heavy.