I Will Not Throw the Remote at the T.V.

It's that time of year. People are suppose to be joyous, thankful and full of kindness. Me? I want to throw the remote through the T.V, slap the grins off some smug faces and in general, skip this time of year. Skipping it won't save me. After New Years will quickly follow the one year 'anniversary' of Tim's passing. My heart catches at that thought. One year without him? I don't want to call it an anniversary or angelversary or celebration. What? Sometimes, words are so stupid. So are holidays when you are expected to 'celebrate and have good cheer.' Where am I going to get 'good cheer' from?

As each first event has approached, I have had to dig deep just to survive it. The days leading up to these events are really worse than the event itself. Our minds will build the horror of it up so high that it will take more than our intentions to surmount it. We withdraw deeper inside as we try to minimize the pain these 'special' days are causing us. The search begins as we hunt for anything that will tell us how to survive any of this. I have read and read and nope, someone telling you to take these 10 steps or those 15 ideas to make it through the holidays just does not cut it. Steps and ideas. Grief does not come in steps, it is all over the place and back again to the beginning. Ideas are just that, ideas. It's possible that these things work for whom ever is writing them but, we each are different. There is no set thing to do, no surefire cure. There is no cure for grief.

Maybe the thing we have to do is acknowledge that this is how it is going to be. No amount of pleading, begging, bargaining is going to change the fact that they are gone. A simple, hard, painful truth. They are gone. Where we go from there is up to us. We may have to acknowledge that truth everyday for the rest of our lives. This is a part of our life now. I know it hurts. I know that none of us want this. I suppose that acceptance is the beginning even though we find ourselves having to accept it constantly. Someone said that they could not let go, could not say good-bye. Why should you have to do this? Because someone said so? I will not let go of or say good-bye, for Tim lives in my heart. That does not mean I won't heal a little or live this life. It means that to say good-bye is to empty my heart. Why would I do that?

The holidays and anniversaries bring out the worst of what we are going through and feeling. Our feelings become further hyped and confused. I feel, at times, like a hamster on a wheel, going around and around until I throw up and fall down and still the wheel turns. I can be okay one moment and just destroyed the next. I hate this emotional turmoil as it rules my days and nights. I don't want to be around anyone because I can't control what I might do next. As confusing as that is for me, I can only imagine how shocking it is for the people around me. They have no idea what runs through my mind and really they should be thankful for that. Many times it is not pretty.

We are as new born babies now. When you are born, you do not instantly know everything in the world, you have to learn it. We lost us as well as them. Now, one step at a time, we have to learn who we are. Nope, I don't want to either, but to stand still in this place of sorrow is not an option for me. We have to learn to deal with new emotions, a screwed up world, family who deserted us in our time of greatest sorrow, a different way of looking at everything right down to the bug walking down the sidewalk. The holidays become horror days. Anniversaries have a whole new meaning. Crap, everything is changed. Acceptance.

We have to toss out everything we have ever heard about death, loss, grief. We are now the experts in our personal journey. We can try what others suggest, but not take it to heart if it doesn't work for us. The learning curve is as long as the milky-way and as vast as the universe. Tell others what you have done to help yourself for it may help them, but do not think that your way is the only way. It does not help me to be told to get right with God. I'm mad at him right now. He can handle it. It does not mean I have lost faith in my creator, it just means I am mad at that creator. There's nothing wrong with that and if the creator can't handle it, he should not have created me. We all believe differently just as we grieve differently and that is okay.

Yesterday was Ten months that my son has been gone from my sight. Ten long months, yet such a short time. Thanksgiving is coming up and I am trying not to dread it because I have my husband, daughter and grandsons to mark that day with. There will be a place there filled with Tim, always, but I will let my family fill up the spots where they have a place in my heart. I may cry, yes of course I will and that's okay, I miss him. We cannot stop these days from coming so maybe we can try to approach them in a different way, one baby step at a time. I will not throw the remote at the T.V.