Rhythm of the World

In the early days, when the grief is so raw and you trust nothing, especially your own emotions, you feel the change of rhythm and think you are imaging it. You question every move you make, every thought you have. You question it because you believe it is grief that has changed your perspective. You are right, it is the grief. But it is also the most true prospective you will have of the world around you. Only profound grief can raise our senses to this height. People search their entire lives for this knowledge as they quote the Dali Lama and other famous peace/love prophets. They want a higher understanding, they want to touch the gods. In loss we find it and how we wish we had not for the price was too much to pay. Death of a loved one brings you into a different and painful understanding of those around you. Have you felt it yet?

In the weeks and months following Tim's death, I thought I was losing my mind. I heard the words people said but saw it different than they were saying it. It was as though the true meaning was laying just beneath the surface and I could see it. Yeah, one would think they were losing it wouldn't they? You hear the insincerity, see it in their eyes and you push it away because you do not want to believe what you are feeling. The proof comes later when what you felt becomes reality. I believe there are many who know exactly what I am trying to say. It sounds way out there to others, but we know don't we.

A few weeks after Tim died, one of my brother-in-laws and his wife stopped by. To me, their agenda became clear within minutes. They did not approve of the way we were handling our grief. We explained, in detail, our reasons but it was as though they had put cotton in their ears. Our reasons were not good enough for them. Still, they carried on about how much they loved us and how they did not want to lose us. In a short amount of time, we never heard from them again. No reason was given and we did not seek to find out. We were at a point in our lives that if people wanted to walk away, it was their choice, we had enough to deal with. The point is, their emotions that day did not match their words. Does that make sense? We knew just as surely as though they had spoken what they were really feeling.

We have come across this a few times now. We are also learning to trust our feelings when it occurs. Each time, the truth we perceive has proven out. So no, you are not crazy or letting your grief rule your feelings. As painful as it can be, you are seeing, feeling the world at it's core. In loss, we feel deeper. We know who will disappear and who won't. Who loves us and who don't and we even know why. It still comes as a type of shock when they walk away because we do not want to trust what we are feeling. In the early days we are so swamped with our pain that we don't have room to add more pain to it. So yes, we let them go. Some don't leave and should. Others stay because they are genuine in their love and compassion. If you allow yourself, you will know which ones have your interests at heart and which ones don't. You have not entered into the Twilight Zone. You are not on the edge of insanity. In grief, we are touching the heart of the universe. The rhythm of the world.

All that changed when Tim died, stayed changed. The world stayed changed. I stayed changed. There will be other changes, that is how it works. Change is an everyday thing that we normally don't notice until something explodes in our existence. Most of those around us cannot handle the change that is us. They should be in our skins for one day and they would be grateful that it is not them. It is easy to judge what you don't know. I am learning to adjust to the rhythm that is so different from the one that was. My love and compassion does not encompass all. I feel that would be too much for a mortal such as I. I read the words of others about loving everyone, having compassion for everyone and I wonder if it is me or them who is fooling themselves. Love is not a choice, it is or it isn't. I think I have compassion where compassion is needed.

We live now to a new rhythm. It is our rhythm and we own it. Learn to trust yourself, your instincts. They have been heightened and will rarely be wrong. If you trust nothing else, trust yourself. This road is hard enough. Our pain is real and for many will always be there. We learn to walk with it. You are allowed to be angry, sad, tearful and lost. You are allowed to be hurt and you are allowed to laugh, find joy, live life in your way. We cannot follow the crowd for most of the crowd do not know what we know. With compassion from a 'Forever Mom'.