I See The Rising Sun

We go to sleep at night with the knowledge that the sun will rise tomorrow. The moon, whether it is waxing, waning, full or eclipsed, will soar across the night sky. Stars will hang in the deepest of space. These are truths we don't question for they have always been there. Death changes that promise of another tomorrow. Suddenly, without warning, we lose our ability to trust for we have been shown that nothing is forever, nothing. A lot of the stars we see in our night sky died long ago and we are only seeing the shadow of their glory, what they once were from millions of miles across space and time. Even though they are gone, we still see the brightness of those stars. How is that possible? Tim is gone. Who he is, what he accomplished remains to remind me that he is a bright shinning star that though he is not here, his spirit shines on. Does that make the hurt any less? No. Will it help me miss his less? No. But it lodges in my heart to allow me to see, everyday, his loving heart, giving spirit, his ability to find good in anyone. All the wonderful memories of him help to stamp out the harsh. He was not perfect, no one is, but he had a lot to give and some could have learned by his example. If only he had known how many he helped and what it mean't to them. The gentle-hearted rarely know their true worth.

After loss, we feel unworthy to live. We feel we failed our lost one somehow. We also, do not know our true worth. I think it is a human condition, most people are humble about themselves. Some are too arrogant and don't see others worth beyond their own. It is hard sometimes, when we see the bad in others, to search for their good. Tim looked for the good anyway and forgave the bad. I am not like him in that way. Not now. Before his death, I over looked bad behavior, rudeness, selfishness in others. I forgave easily and did not carry a grudge. We were similar then. Death changes many things in our lives. If you wait around for the world to change its attitude, you are wasting precious time. That does not mean you should disregard the world, it just means to learn to choose what is worth taking the time for. At the beginning of loss, it is you whom you must take time for. At this time, it is your emotions that matter first. You do not have to stand still and take pain from anyone. We are at the start of our sorrow, our loss of them and ourselves. All the violent emotions have us turned around, confused and lost. Its okay to get angry, cry, scream, weep, fall down, hide or whatever intense emotion takes hold at the moment. It is a state of learning, sad though that is. In time, a lot of this settles down, some don't. None of us will carry on the same as before, some will change for the better, some will not but we have changed. That is a solid truth, death changes everyone.

I have watched the sun rise, the moon soar, the stars shine everyday and night since Tim died. I no longer blindly believe they will be there when I wake. I no longer blindly believe in anything that is out of my ability to change or influence. I am learning to believe in myself. There are days that nothing matters, those are the days that all I can do is breath and wait for it to pass. There are days that the pain, though ever present, does not dominate my every thought. I find that I can step slightly to the side and walk with my sorrow instead of letting it over power all that I do. Even though a lot of my emotions have settled down, I think they will always be in a higher state than they were before Tim died. I have so hated the changes this has brought and have fought them every step of the way. It seemed the more I fought it the harsher it became. I have turned inward a lot, more self involved I suppose. It's hard getting out of that shell once you surround yourself with it. It becomes a protective layer between you and the world. Fear of more pain is ever present. Stepping out from self is not easy. Those who stand by me and those I have met here, in grief, help me pull myself away from inner demons. I suppose it could eat us up and never spit us out if we allow it to. There will forever be that sorrow and grief, but it does not have to be the whole of everything we do. We can't shake it off like a rain shower and allow it to dry in the sun. We can learn to live again, just a different life than we had planned. We will fall every now and then and feel the deepest of despair and then we will walk. 'Forever Mom.'