It's Okay to Not be Okay

It’s okay to Not be okay…

Today, is November 6th, in three days it would be my son’s 32nd birthday. I’m trying to focus on the things that I need to get done. I have a support group meeting coming up, I need to write a blog for the website, I should be doing my fall cleaning, I have a side job that has a deadline coming up and I can’t focus on any one of these things.

If you’ve ever lost a child you know this kind of day. I’m frustrated with myself, thinking it’s been three years, I should be okay, right? And then it dawned on me…I’m not okay today and it’s okay to not be! I thought back to a book that a friend sent me six months after Phil’s accident called Tear Soup. Tear Soup was written by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen, if you’ve never read this book I highly recommend it. It will make you feel a little more normal on the days you don’t.

Okay, back to my thoughts; I’m in the middle of having a total breakdown, tears streaming down my cheeks and screaming “I just want you back”! When this little voice inside me says, “you know, it’s okay to not be okay”. I realized then, it is okay.

I’ve learned over time that when I’m having a bad day or a bad moment, I have to release it! We have to allow ourselves the time and space to grieve when we need to. Sometimes it’s just a moment as were driving in our car and a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your child and a single tear trickles down your face. Sometimes it’s before a holiday and you need to take the whole day to yourself to cry, take a bubble bath, take a long walk or go outside and scream. One of my favorite places to go when I’m sad is the couch. I have my “Phil quilt” there and I wrap myself there until I feel like I can pull myself together.

It’s so important to let all those emotions out, to feel them so deep that it’s hard to breath. If we don’t allow ourselves these times, all those emotions will be stuck inside us forever. I realized early on that if I didn’t allow myself to release all of the anger and madness inside me, I would never be able to reinvest in life.

So, today for a little while, I wasn’t okay and I’m okay with it. Have you found something that works for you? Have you found a space where you feel safe to release all of the emotions inside you, without anyone judging you?