Please, No More Words

I am so very tired, deep down to my core, of hearing platitudes that sound like, "Give it time, it will get better."

Yes, I realize these words are meant to be comforting. However in reality, they aren't. All such words do is keep me from sharing with you how I am truly faring.

"Give it time." What other choice have I got? Aside from suicide, there is no other choice but to give it time. I can't stop time. God knows I wish I could have. Just stop the world for a while so I could catch my breath and get my feet back under me. But I couldn't. Life kept marching on all around me, mostly oblivious to my pain, as it continues to do. Friends who had called on me, and asked how I am doing have mostly stopped doing so. Their lives have marched on, leaving me to feel like I should be able to continue, also. Just stand up, dust myself off, and take that next step. But the loss is still debilitating. The tears are always just beneath the surface, threatening to mar my sad-but-calm mask. Give it time. As if I could do something about it.

"It will get better." Maybe. Probably. Though not in the short span of time you think I should feel better. Years and years down the road, I may find a day when I can think about him, about what we shared, and not have it closely followed by what was supposed to be and the inevitable wave of loss and sorrow. I will never in this life get over his death. I will, eventually, find joy again in living, but not anytime soon.

I propose a new rule for those offering comfort to a person who has lost someone: Don't talk. Hug. Take their hands in yours and look them in the eye, showing them that you hurt for their pain. If you can't do that, go to your private place of prayer and pray for that person. Offer to be there should they want to talk, because I can guarantee they will. Then follow through when they call on you. Make time. Listen. Still no offering of platitudes. Just listen. Only when they are done talking, ask questions about their loved one. How did they meet? What was his favorite thing, food, movie genre, holiday? Invite them to tell you about their loved one. And be prepared for the tears, because they are inevitable, but important. Let it happen. One of the hardest things is feeling like you can't share your loved one because your tears make others uncomfortable. 

Or even worse is when you feel you can't talk about your loved one because you feel like no one wants to hear. We may talk about our lost loved ones a lot as we grieve. That is because we are keeping them alive in our thoughts. We feel like if we don't talk about them, then we have let go of them, some may feel that they might forget, or that everyone else will forget. Wanting to talk about them is part of the process. You might be tired of hearing about it, but your friend is still grieving. Let her talk, without guilt or pressure. The more we feel like we can't talk about them, the more we find we want to.

There are no words that can mitigate the pain of loss through death. So don't talk. Just show those who are suffering a loss that they are loved.