Searching for Nirvana

As a kid, our most inner desire is to be accepted and fit in with those around us. Get rejected enough and that desire becomes a shield against life's cruelty. Some bury that desire and eventually have no need to fit anywhere. Others will search all their lives for that acceptance. The world is cruel to anyone who is different yet it is that very difference that makes us who we are, who we will become. Death of our loved one brings us back to the beginning. We have to start at ground zero. We no longer know who we are or even who we might want to be. It is a profound change that is hard for others to grasp, so rejection starts. Peoples reactions to us when we are deep in our grief have a lot to do with cementing the changes that are happening within us. There are bits and pieces of us scattered all around and as we try to put the pieces back together, those around us will either help us pick them up or they will crush them beneath their feet. Even though it is time that will eventually decide the direction we go, the people in our world will be the foundation on which part of our rebuilding will be based. We are searching for Nirvana, a place to rest our aching soul to sooth our broken heart. Fitting in with the world is not part of our new agenda.

There are so many different types and depths of grief that when I say child loss is the worse of these, I do not say it to negate others pain. I say it for myself. My dad was my hero, when he died, it was the greatest loss, to that date that I had ever experienced, until the day my son died. The grief is measurably different, deeper, harsher. But until my son died, I did not know that it could possibly be that way. Others will not know, until they experience child loss, whether one type of grief is greater than another. So please do not take it personally when someone who has lost a child feels their loss is more horrendous, for them, it is. Each loss is deeper to the one who is left, whether you have lost a beloved grand-parent, Uncle, cousin, brother/sister, parent. I was told, in the beginning, that I had no right to think the loss of my son was greater to me than his loss to a step-brother. Wrong!!!!!! Each of us had the right to feel our personal loss is greater. To be told this is one of the cruelest things someone can say to a grieving parent. We are already at our lowest level that it is like putting salt in an open wound. It is true that actions, words and attitudes will either made or break relationships in times of grief.

We are building a new world to live in. We build it brick by brick, slowly. There is no rushing grief on its way, it will go where it wants, when it wants. All we can do is ride out each storm and place a new brick when the waves ease for a while. We search for a place where we fit in with ourselves, fitting in with the world no longer works. We fake being okay. We fake smiles and laughter. We fake living in the old world. Our reality is that that world passed away with the ones we love. We grow weary of explaining ourselves when no explanation should be necessary. That is why we withdraw further into silence. It is easier to be alone than to constantly put on a mask and pretend. We let people walk away for we deal with too much already without dealing with what we consider petty ways from others. We are not mean, we are grieving, we are broken and trying to fit the pieces back together. There will be a lot of things that no longer fit into the life we live.

As each brick is placed, it is placed with care, with special thought of why it is there and what it means to us. We no longer do certain things when we figure out that those things are triggers. We avoid certain people because of loss of trust, loss of connection, avoiding more hurt. We are learning things we never thought we would be forced to learn. The lessons are harsh and lasting. So we search for our Nirvana. We search for a place where we hurt less, even if for only a little while. We build our new city on the back of loss, for loss never leaves, it just finds a dark corner to wait in. Eventually, we may find small things that help us. It may be helping others, or finding a way to keep our minds and hands busy. But we have to search them out, test the waters. If we stand still, we sink deeper into our sorrow until we are so lost we cannot find the path. There are ways to learn to walk with grief, we have to find the desire to do so first. I still have days that are so overwhelming sad, I wonder why I bother. They are not every second of every day now, but they do come unexpectedly. I accept those times as part of the love I will always have for Tim. I miss him so terribly and completely. Searching for Nirvana from a "Forever Mom."