Relationships and Grief: Supporting One Another

By Maureen Hunter  |   Submitted On October 28, 2011

It is widely known that men and women grieve differently and being in a relationship with someone who has lost a loved one can be particularly challenging, be it from a male or female perspective. Whether you are both grieving together or in a new relationship with someone who is grieving 'alone' this information may help you to traverse the journey together.

If you are a man, you may want to take away her hurt and make her feel better, most often by distraction or trying to lighten her mood. In an attempt to remove her pain, you may however be denying her the ability to express her feelings and emotions in a safe way. Women need to talk and express how they feel; it is natural to them, it is what they do. Remember, you don't have to solve anything. It can also be excruciatingly uncomfortable to be with your partner who is crying and your natural response may be to try and deflect this in some way. This action may serve also, to protect yourself from your own vulnerabilities in relation to the expression of such a strong emotion. She is processing grief in her own way, as a woman.

If you are a woman, you may want him to talk about his feelings and wonder why he doesn't even seem to care or shed a tear. You might be amazed that he wants to make love to you at a time when it is the last thing on your mind or spend hours out in the shed, keeping as busy as possible. Men generally process and respond to their grief very privately and actively, they like to keep busy. You may not see the occasions where they do cry just like you do, they feel the pain just as much, but express it in different ways - they still hurt. You may notice that he is flying off the handle at the slightest thing or muttering and swearing at the lawnmower that wont 'go' - men are more likely to be angry when they are grieving. As women that may be an uncomfortable emotion to witness. He is processing grief in his own way, as a man.

Whichever way you deal with grief, try to nurture and support each other during such an extremely difficult time:

- Be near - in physical and emotional closeness, sexual or otherwise

- Refrain from offering solutions or becoming judgmental

- Listen uninterruptedly

- A silent comforting hug heals much

- Remember significant difficult days - birthdays, anniversaries

- Understand that grief never ends, the person themself adapts over time

- Invest in your relationship - take the time for whats important

- Value talking

- Love generously

Maureen Hunter is the founder of Esdeer, established to support those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Maureen works with individuals who are struggling with grief helping them to find meaning in their lives once more.

As an author, grief coach and bereaved parent, she is widely known for providing comfort, hope and inspiration through her writings and Stepping through Grief programmes.

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