How to Be a Good Mourner

Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others. - Winston Churchill, 1874-1965

Why do some who are mourning the death of a loved one experience less unnecessary suffering than others? What do they think or do that help them get through some of the most difficult changes that life offers? How are they able to grow through their losses and adapt to a different life, a new life without the physical presence of their loved ones?

There are many reasons for the differences. They range from their early life experiences and the grief models they were exposed to as well as their conscious and unconscious beliefs. I would like to suggest five coping techniques which auger well for managing great losses and reducing the intensity of pain and suffering. They are based on my 40 years of helping the bereaved and are often overlooked in the overwhelming sadness.

1. Hang out with successful mourners. Begin by looking for friends who have been through great losses. Ask them if you could talk to them about how they dealt with various parts of the experience that you are finding most difficult. Ask specific questions about how they adapted. Take what you feel is useful and let go of the rest. Realize the critical importance of social interaction, especially the interaction with those who are at different places in their grief work. Make it a priority to search for a trusted grief companion.

It may be important for you to join a grief support group. In all the years I have conducted these groups, often in the evaluations at the end of the final session, someone will say how helpful it was to be with others who were mourning different losses. They learned much from each other and frequently became friends with others in a group they had never known before. Some formed smaller groups to go out for lunch or dinner on a regular basis after the support group ended. All of this is good mourning. Remember, we never outgrow our need for others.

2. Let emotion flow through you and out. This can be done in a variety of ways. Let the tears flow whenever they choose to come. Excuse yourself if you have learned early in life that crying is bad and you are embarrassed. (In reality, crying is pure coping.) This means crying for days is okay. It means speaking about your anger and then finally forgiving. Forgiving is the gift you give to yourself since you suffer the most by hanging on to anger. It blocks your ability to develop crucial new habits.

Letting emotion flow through you and out also means becoming aware of your fears. Fear is often a hidden emotion most mourners do not want to deal with. What are your fears now that your loved one is not physically present? Never store or hide that hurt. Get it out so it does not culminate in guilt, depression, or anger and much emotional pain. You can do this by talking, writing, drawing, prayer- walking or any action of your own choosing. Just don't bury it. Let go of resistance.

3. Become knowledgeable about grief facts. Read credible writings. For example, many months after the death of your loved one you may feel you are doing better. All of a sudden something may trigger a full blown grief response and you will think there is something wrong with you. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a very common experience. Again, allow the emotions to work through you unimpeded. It's normal. And yes, it could happen years later. Read and learn all you can about differences in the way people mourn and you will find there is a very wide range of normalcy.

4. Be open to the new. The emphasis is on the words "open' and "new." Few like to hear these words. The tendency is to want to stay forever in what is familiar and gives a feeling of certainty. In short, regrettably, with that behavior you will stop growing through your grief. However, there is no escaping having to deal with a multiplicity of new situations. For example, there is no sidesteppinging the "year of the firsts" and all that implies. Many, many times you will confront situations where normally your loved one would be with you. Now for the first time you must face these circumstances alone or possibly with the help of a friend. It will be different. It will be new. As much as possible be proactive and plan on how you will deal with the situation before it arises. Of course, some situations you will be unable to plan for. Then you will be forced to be open to new experiences (stepping out of your comfort zone), new ideas, knowledge, and meanings. Be willing to learn and change.

It will also be extremely helpful for you to be open to new ways to deal with life by finding new friends, joining organizations, finding a hobby, and volunteering, which will be a great opportunity to help others as well as yourself. The love and care of others can get us through anything. And by all means, look for meaningful coincidences and synchronicities that have helped you cope with your loss so far. Everyone receives some. Think about them. It can assist in understanding that there is a power greater than the self that will get you through this difficult part of life. It can open your spiritual portal to a new dimension. Faith conquers pain and suffering.

5. Set goals and establish a new relationship with the deceased. You will always have a relationship with your loved one. That can never be taken away by death. Decide how you wish to relate to him or her. Nothing wrong with talking to the beloved, celebrating a birthday or anniversary as you see fit or dedicating something you start anew in their honor. You may want to have a "remember when" session at a particular family get-together.

Setting specific goals is the forerunner, whether written in a notebook or in your grief diary, to see where you have been, the progress you have made, and when you may have to upgrade your plan and subsequent behavior. Make a to-do list in the evening and the commitment to follow through on what you have written. Making that commitment to yourself is crucial. Review your plan at least on a weekly basis. Make additions or deletions based on what you learn from others or from professionals.

6. Work on being consistent in your plan toward adapting. The repetition of new behaviors and beliefs you may have to generate will then become habits in your new life. These new habits are part of the way we all have to meet the continuous changes that life keeps sending us. And by all means, when you make a mistake or two, which happens often, shrug it off and get back into the new routines you have started. Stick-with-it and you are sure to adapt to your great loss and learn from it. Millions have accomplished it and you can too.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Healing Grief, Finding Peace: 101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and was the founding President of Hospice & Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.