PLEASE BE HAPPY

It has been six months since my Howie has passed away. Six long, hard, lonely months. At first I was not sure I was going to make it. Honestly, I didn't want to make it. I wanted to go and be with him. I wanted God to take me, and if He wouldn't do it, I would do it myself. I came close, but then I realized what a huge disgrace that would be to his memory!

Now, six months into widowhood, I can feel things changing, I am changing. I still miss Howie, terribly. I still cry when I am alone. Different things, unexpected things will bring that huge wall of grief right in front of me, and I come to an instant stop. But now I am finding that if I allow myself to cry, and just grieve when those times come, I can work thru them and come out on the other side. I can look at his picture without crying so hard that I can't breath. I still love him and miss him, but now I think I have control of the grief, instead of it having control of me. Now memories bring smiles with the tears. Maybe one day it will be only smiles.

We were married 42 years, 3 months and 9 days. All Howie ever wanted was my love and my happiness. Our years together were not always easy, there were many struggles. But thru all the storms and the trials, we had our love, and we were happy. We held on to each other, when one of us was down, the other was always up. In the hardest of times, Howie would do something just to make me smile and laugh. He wanted me to be happy.

For the last six months, the smiles have not been there, except for the fake ones you wear for others. But I feel him with me, and I hear him telling me Please Be Happy. He truly lived to make me happy, and he didn't fail. The more I think about it, the more I realize he still wants me to be happy, and I don't want to fail him. I have been told we need to honor the loved ones who have passed on. I didn't understand what that meant, but I think I do now. We honor them by living on, letting the love they gave us, and our wonderful memories of them carry us thru, till it's our turn to go and be with them again.

I miss Howie so very much! Sometimes the pain of not having him here is so overwhelming. It takes my breath away along with my ability to do anything. But I know I will make it thru each wave that tries to swallow me up, because now I want to honor him, and make him happy.