Secondary Damage

Coming to terms with a new life we never wanted is hard. So many losses pile up as the weeks and months pass. Loss of our loved ones, loss of self, loss of the living. The one I struggle with now and have from the first night is loss of that feeling of being safe. You lock your doors and check your windows at night and feel that you are safely tucked inside your world, your life, your home. When death walks through those locks and changes everything you believe, helplessness abounds. Tim was only feet away, yet I could not protect him, I could not keep him from leaving, I could not save him. Death does not honor a locked door.

That exposed feeling started the moment I found Tim and has not left or eased up. It is not a fear of losing my own life, I lost that immediately. It is the fear of what else we have to endure. It is the fear that  while we  carry on, death is right there, a shadow in the corner, waiting ... waiting. It is the fear that this specter will deal the next blow and take another while we stand helpless to stop it. It is accepting that while we can control many things in our lives, this is one we cannot divert. It is knowing we are helpless against this home invader. Fear has come to live where once we feared nothing.

We have found out, suddenly, without warning, just how precious and short life is. It leaves us reeling on our feet; drowning in our sorrow. We will never see that locked door the same as before. We will never feel that safety we took for granted. We no longer fear our own loss of life, but feel completely the fear of loss of another. When our living loved ones leave our side, whether to go to the store, a night out or some other errand, our hearts sink until we catch sight of them again. We put ourselves through unimaginable hell as we wait for their return and struggle to conquer this fear. It debilitates us. By the time they return or we know they made it safely to where ever they are going, we are a complete mess. For however long they are out of our sight, even as far as the next room, we feel this unreasonable fear.

We have always felt heartache at the thought of losing a loved one. Honestly, we had no clue what that horror would really be like. That pain we felt at just the thought of it, is nothing, nothing at all compared to reality. It does not prepare us for what really happens. Before our loss, heard others pain, but did not grasp the truth of it. The truth is, death is not the only pain. Loss is not the only sorrow. In the weeks, months and years to come we deal with things that others cannot imagine nor understand. We will do as many before us have done; try to tell others, but they will be like we were. If one has not been on this path, one can have no idea the true extent of this. The fear is a battle we will fight everyday. Fear makes it difficult to get close to anyone. What we know we wish we had never learned. But we did and it cannot be unlearned.

I think this fear keeps us alone. We withdraw in the beginning; only time and our determination can change that. Because those around us don't understand, many will leave us to it and add to the sorrow. By the time we work through this, the secondary damage is already done. We lose trust in others as well as grieving for those we lost. Trust is very important to us. If we can't trust, we move further away. The reverberations of death is like a stone thrown in the pond. The circles keep moving out away from the point of impact affecting everything it touches. When all is said and done, the changes are immense.

We have lost more than our loved one, which is enough without the rest to contend with. We have lost more than a way of life, an understanding of life. We have gained little in this exchange. Let me tell you what I have gained. It has all been about loss, sorrow and grief. I have gained a deeper insight to others suffering. I have gained a deeper love for those who matter to me. I have gained friends who travel this path with me. It has opened my eyes to what really matters. No, it does not add up to the loss, nothing will. The secondary losses are vast and will probably keep on coming. What choice have we but to meet them head on, deal with them, find our place in the world we are creating? We had no choice in death, but we have choices in life.

Our lives are full of contradictions. How can joy and sorrow walk hand in hand? How can we find peace in turmoil? How can we go on living? We can, we must, we will stand up no matter how many times we fall down. We don't know why. Sooner or later, we have to let the 'why' go and accept it is so. 'Forever Mom.'