Making Sense of Grief and Loss

It's such a ridiculous notion to actually think of making sense out of something that defies logic, defies knowing and is beyond our understanding. That is the loss of a loved one and the resulting grief that absolutely rips through our life and our very being.

In the early stages of grief and loss it's totally impossible to use any of our intellectual faculties to consider what's going on. Our brain is somehow in a fog, cut off from us by an invisible shield. It operates on automatic and short circuits regularly. We're far below any level of optimal functioning and don't we know it? The thought of any rationality of the whole experience, of making sense of what's happened to us is as remote as a far distant continent. The obliterating pain of grief is all we know and thoughts of the person we love so very much, who now has DIED, consumes us totally.

Fast forward a little and the fog clears enough for the brain to raise its hand and say "Hey, don't forget me. I want to put in my two bobs worth." With logic now stepping into the foray we begin to search. Our questioning becomes relentless. We desperately want answers. Now we do want to make sense of it all, but still we are cut off. The invisible shield remains, we just can't seem to breach the barrier and get there. We are here. A place far from where we want to be.

It can feel like a battle raging within and without that pervades our being as we deal with the hardest thing we are ever likely to experience. Often times we don't even want to be here, it all becomes so excruciating painful, so hopeless, so relentless.

So where is the sense in all of this? I wish it was as easy as a, b, c but loss, grief, mourning and healing is not a simple thing to make sense of. Do we really need to? Perhaps not, perhaps it's more about being in the experience of grief and allowing the 'knowing' to come in its own time.

When I think of the evolution of my own understanding, when I was able to come to my own interpretation of what it all means, I began to let go of the desperate need to know everything. I began to accept that I will never know the why. I will only know the now and my perspective on my loss changed. There was a shift. I find I am now guided by four key beliefs that somehow give me some semblance of making sense of it all. They have supported my healing and helped me to find peace in my heart:

- I will never know why.

- No matter how I experience grief and how I mourn, it changes not one little bit what has happened. What it does change is how long I suffer.

- Now is the only thing I can make sense of - there is nothing else except the present moment that I truly know and can depend upon.

- Love is all I know. The love in my heart that has transcended my loss and continues to guide my life every single moment.

I'd like to leave you with a beautiful piece of writing which talks of questions and answers and the evolution of ourselves.

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms, or books written in a very foreign language.

Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Maureen Hunter is the founder of Esdeer, established to support those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Maureen works with individuals who are struggling with grief helping them to find meaning in their lives once more.

As an author, grief coach and bereaved parent, she is widely known for providing comfort, hope and inspiration through her writings and Stepping through Grief programmes.

Claim your FREE report now: "Opening the Door to Hope.... Helping you Step through Grief" http://www.esdeer.com/hope