Letting Go

Sharing my journey with you all…

October 16th 2013 received a call from my mom, Dad had falling and was brought to the emergency room in the late hours of October 15th….scan of his head revealed a tumor. October 30th 2013 Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer- which metastasized to his brain.... The painful journey began with Dad and our family.

One of the harshest winters in Minnesota…the deep freeze kept us from sharing the last 6 months of my dads life away from natures beauty (which he loved so dear), other than by window view mostly.

Some say it was a blessing that we had that time to say goodbye, but it was bittersweet. Cancer sucks, that is the politest way to put it. It’s a painful journey of watching someone you love so dear suffer SO MUCH, and there is not a dam thing you can do about it.

I know for me…when I received the words of stage 4 cancer, life was not going to be the same…. I had hope that this 72 year old man, that was more fit then myself…not a smoker…groomed a huge ski trail for over 20+ year (which now takes 4 men) a marathon runner, and very active in his community…he would beat the odds. Always said he’d out live me. Well here we are…

  
I screamed, I cried, and I cursed….nothing would change this journey…HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS, I kept telling myself….I’m not the first one to lose a parent, but for the love of GOD is sure felt like it. The 6 months of coming and going from my parents every 10 days a 4-6 hour drive one way (depending on the winter day)... always had to have my dates in place because dad wanted to know when I was coming back. It could have been for me too, because I thought if he knew I was coming back he’d wait for me.  Every time I went I cried most of the way to get there,  because I was afraid of how much had changed, and I cried all the way home, with having to leave him, and my mom. I was angry, afraid, helpless, in shock, and just couldn’t believe what was happening.

I often don’t know where some of the strength came from, and more amazed at my mom. Thank you dear lord for her, I always knew she was a strong woman, but her courage, and caring were so much to be commended. She kept her strong ability to care for him, keep his schedules, it made me appreciate her more than I ever could write.
I share this journey, because over the past year and ½ I didn’t know how I could get over that pain…1 month, 3 months, 5 months, 9 months, April 10th was a year…the journey has been painful, I cry still, little less, but I remember him most every day, I smile at some thoughts of him, I cry at some thoughts of him, I think what would he think about that….I don’t think that will change. He will always be in my heart.  I miss him very much……take time for your loved ones….tomorrow is not a promised!!