We Go On Because Of Them

Before losing my mom I attend several funerals. I will never forget one in particular, a young girl, and daughter, sister, best friend lost too soon. I recall her parents sobbing as they walked on stage to talk about her life. I cried thinking “How will they ever go on?” “How will they breathe?” “Will they ever be able to stop crying?” “How can they even function?” I always wondered if they saw a purpose in life any longer after losing their daughter. Wondered if they were ever able to smile any longer without a sense of guilt that they were still here and she was gone. Then I became that person, the one with a tragic loss that others my age were unable to even imagine. I was the one they were staring at wondering how I would go on, wondering if it hurt to breathe at times and wondering if I would go on or just give up and do the bare minimum to get by. I thought I would share with some of you wondering what goes on and how I cope with such a great loss, still go on, smile and be filled with joy.

The first few months were dark, it did hurt to breathe and my heart actually ached. It’s the strangest thing I have ever experienced and nothing I can explain unless you have known it yourself. There came a point that I had cried so much through the days that I was too tired to even cry any longer. It was as if they were all dried up. Then I decided it was better at times to pretend I didn’t lose her, this is not possible now but in the beginning when everything was fresh it was easier to do because I was not used to this way of life yet. I would pretend she was fine and well at her house, that we were just too busy to call each other that day. Then I would email her pretending as if she would get it and maybe respond later. I would not talk about her in past tense and I would not say “when my mom was alive” to preface a conversation about her. I wanted everything exactly how she left it, her car, her clothes, a picture frame with a picture of me in it and her jewelry. I would make sure her cell phone stayed charged and as it was the day she left us. All these things helped me push on to another day.

The constant effort to ignore what happened and try and keep things perfectly how she left them became exhausting and harder emotionally that I could handle. I did end up confessing to my husband how I had been feeling and that’s when things changed. I still have a way I think of her, keep things and do things to help me go on without her. To help me breathe easier and my heart ache a little less each day. When I email her, I talk about her being gone and tell her how I feel I no longer wait for a reply to my email. I don’t keep her things out in the open as they were, I have them tucked away but still close enough to pull out from time to time. I don’t pretend she is still here, I accept that she isn’t and I do the best I can on the hard days when that realization hits me and I have to deal with it.

Almost four years later and it still feels like yesterday. I can be taken back to that very day, minute, hour, second that I lost her in a flash. If I chose, I could allow myself to live in that day forever. However, I know that if I chose to do that, I would choose to let grief and cancer win. So here I am, I’ve found a purpose and drive in life like I have never known before all because of her, my beautiful mother. Losing her is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with but because of her life, she taught me how to carry on after her death. She showed me how to be strong, reach out and help others when you are so broken and hurt because that is what will heal you.