Loneliness

We start to feel alone, abandoned, orphaned in a pretty short time after our loss. Grief is a greedy monster. It is not satisfied with tearing our hearts to pieces, no, it has to rip our world to shreds too. We had people around us that we trusted, took them at their word. Pretty sad time to have trust broken as well as life as we know it. It leaves this emptiness where not so fine emotions rush in to fill the void. Many will promise to be there for you, few will. For some bizarre reason, we accept that they turned their backs on us within weeks of our deepest sorrow. A trust that was already shaken, becomes broken. We feel that loss keenly but in time, it is part of our 'normal.'

Loneliness is a big hurdle in this life now. When one you love is gone, the loneliness is almost intolerable. That is true in break-up relationships, triple true in death. When it is a relationship break-up, you are aware that they are somewhere out there in the world and you could see them again. In death, we know there is no seeing them in this world. We are lonely for their voice, smile, laughter, hugs. In a crowd of a hundred, we are alone. We have always been alone, for we are the only ones who know our own mind, but it is never felt as keenly as it is when you lose someone. So many empty places now echo in the silence. You don't realize, until they are gone, just how big a space they occupied in your life.

I have always be a loner from childhood. Never cared much for crowds or even letting people too close to me. People have power to hurt, being alone takes that power away. Yet, when you have kids, relationships, friends, that changes some. You have allowed a few in to that place. We all hold back parts of who we are and still give a lot to those we love. My kids taught me to give, to love, to share and to hurt more deeply than I ever thought it was possible to hurt. To lose one is to lose it all, to become alone again within. Loneliness has many shades and shadows. Your heart craves for what was. This new life is terrifying.

Slowly, in time, we start to learn to live with this. Fighting it just makes you carry the sharp spikes of grief beyond the limits of your ability to survive. Yes, grief will always be there, loneliness will stay but we can walk upright. You get use to anything if it lives with you long enough. It becomes bitter-sweet and a part of who you are. You are always aware that it is there, but it does not have to dominate every waking and sleeping moment. You eventually find things to take your mind away be it a hobby or work or fishing. Maybe helping others over the first humps of sorrow... something, anything to give proof of your existence, their life.

Not long after Tim died, we had family turn on us. The emotions that caused, along with our sorrow, was a bit shocking. Though the hurt could not come close to the loss of our son, it still caused more sadness on top of what we were already dealing with. It changed how we trust, accept, interact with others. So death alone changes your world, but what comes with it helps destroy it. We learned hard lessons and are rebuilding our life. It is not totally rebuilt, that will always be in progress. There is no hate for we don't have the room or patience for it. There is the loneliness, but we are learning to live with it. Sometimes, it jumps up and smacks you in the face. You stop for a while and then go on your way.

This week, we received communication from a few people out of our past. We are not so alone after all. They have been where we are and understand us. Knowing that few understand where we are, where we are going is what makes this journey so lonely. It makes a difference when those who do not understand refrain from judging or giving advice. It makes a difference when they don't get it, but are there for you. It makes the loneliness, less. We don't expect people to understand but we do expect them to accept and maybe our expectations are too high. So that is something we are working on. We are learning to turn our minds away from those who hurt us and more toward those who have supported us. We live with loneliness for Tim. We will not get a phone call or see him. That is loneliness, that is alone in grief. The rest can sort itself out. The people I have met since Tim's passing have been good, caring, decent people. The family who care are wonderful. They need our attention more than the might of beens.

I know there are many out there who have lost someone and feel so completely alone. Just telling you that you are not alone will not make you feel less so. Being around people who allow you to be you will. Finding people who understand that loneliness, will. They are everywhere. Find them, for your sake. I love you all, 'Forever Mom.'