One of those Days

Yeah, this is one of 'those' days. We all know them so well. You wake up with that tightness in your chest, just like it was when this all began. Your stomach rolls, your heart hurts, your brain stumbles over itself. You've felt all of this in many different degrees, from day one. Time helps you hope that they are less, not as intense, then this day comes along. A day that feels as bad as that day. On this day, nothing matters anymore. Nothing. It does not seem to help to bring to mind all that you have to be grateful for. That ungrateful moment, that loss, looms so terribly large, a shadow that over powers every step you have taken, every advance you have made. You look around and know, just know, there is no one you can talk to about this. After this much time, they just expect you to be okay, they don't want to hear that, today, you are not. Not okay.

We fight this battle often. Some days it is just a skirmish, others it is a full blown war. You never come out a winner, for there are no winners in war. But you do come out to fight another day and know you will have to keep doing this. The day comes though when you are done fighting. You are so full up with the hurt there is no room for reasoning, no room for other, kinder thoughts. All you have is your agony, beating at you, telling you there is nothing left but this. Oh, how I hate those days. The days when you cannot grab a hold of hope for hope is evasive. Even if there was someone to talk to, you have no desire to share this. Those days when the future is nothing but emptiness, sadness. Those days that are the same as the day it all started. We thought we had come further than this and are discouraged to think we have not.

When my mom died a few years ago, she did not go out with a bang nor a whimper. One day, as so many of the elderly do, she decided she was done. She laid down and died. The cause was not heart nor disease, it was not cancer or some other unwanted cause. She was done. So many times I have wondered what switch she found in her ramblings that allowed her to do this. Did she just stumble on it one day and saved it for when she was ready? By the time she passed, you could not understand anything she was saying. If I could of understood, would I have that secret now? Those are the things that cross my mind on days like this. Not good things, not inspirational, not helpful to anyone. I guess that it is human, I guess it is normal for the loss of one so close to you. I am not liking normal today either. My normal is so different from others normal. Maybe I don't like me today, I breath, he does not. I tell myself I cannot breath through this one. I cannot do this. I have done it for 19 months, is that not enough?

Then I read the words of a mother who lost 3 of her children. Not one, not two, three. Not all at once but a year or two apart. I am devastated for I fear losing my daughter or grandsons. Then I realize I am devastated for her and so so thankful it is not me. Not me. I feel guilty that I am grateful when she has lost so much. Our minds get in these ruts and cannot seem to get out. We go again though all the guilty, sad, hurt, etc. We borrow guilt about others and make our day even darker. When someone tells you that others have it a lot worse than you, it does not help. All it does is heap more guilt that you would dare to feel so horrible while others have it worse than you. So is this what this day is for? A day to allow all the emotions to run wild, to have their say? A day to cry, scream, beat the walls? Really, I don't beat the walls or scream out loud, but if I thought it would help, I would consider it.

Please don't say 'Hey, you need help, you need therapy or Jesus (what makes you decide I don't have Jesus?).' Therapy is like any help drug, it works for some and not for others. Just to assume we all need it or will benefit by it is wrong. If it worked for you, that is wonderful. It worked for you. It is not one of those days that you can just breath through until it passes. Too much is happening, too much is going through your mind. Some people find relief in sleep, I do not. Some get busy doing something, I do not have that energy for this day. Some drink or do drugs, maybe they do that all the time, I do not. I am not looking down on anyone for what they do to find relief.... I feel sad for some of it and wish there was another way. We learn to weather this day. We ride out the hurricane and maybe, just maybe, come out the other side. Today, I am in a hurricane. 'Forever Mom.'