Grief...Birthdays and Anniversaries

September 11^th is fast approaching, it marks the 4^th anniversary of the day my son transitioned from this world to the next.  You may have another name for it (i.e. your child died, you lost your child, your child passed away or your child crossed over).  I have come to believe that we transition, it’s what brings me some comfort… believing that I will see my son again someday.  It doesn’t matter what you call it or what you believe in, we, as grieving parents now have to figure out how to get through these dates.

As the dreaded date draws closer the melancholy (I think this is the word to describe how I feel) sets in.  Melancholy, what does that mean?  I decided to look it up in the dictionary, here’s what it says-melancholy is a depression of the spirit, depressed spirit.  Yes, melancholy is the right word for how I feel.  I believe my spirit is depressed.  The question is how do I work through this? 

It doesn’t seem fair that we should have to work so hard as bereaved parents; physically our bodies ache, emotionally we’re on a roller coaster, mentally our minds play games with us and spiritually we search and yearn for answers. 

For me, the transitioning of my son has caused me to question everything in life and death.  It has been a catalyst for growth-it has introduced me to a process of spiritual growth and deep examination of my own emotional and mental state.  Who I am now, what do I believe in, will I ever be who I was before, how can I live through this, so many questions…unfortunately, you can’t go to Google and ask.  You can’t go to friends or family members for answers.  They can only be answered by you.  Some will tell you that grief is a process of stages…I say grief is a roller coaster.  Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back, other days you coast on through for a while, never knowing what memory, thoughts or words, will trigger a setback. 

The question is how do we take care of our self during these periods of melancholy?  Here’s what I have learned so far:

• For the rest of my life I will have periods of melancholy, when they come I must let them happen-I can no longer fight it, it’s a battle I will never win, so I will surrender to them.  I will cry or scream or spend time in total solitude…I will ride the roller coaster until it comes to even ground.  As my son would say “It is, what it is.”  

• I found nature to be a large part of my healing process-Taking a walk outside-I don’t care if it’s just for a minute a day.  I will look up into the sky, take a deep breath and exhale.  Look around you…What do you see?  What do you smell?  What do you hear?  I still talk to my son everyday as I take a walk around our yard. 

• Positive thoughts-Force yourself to spend a few minutes every day thinking of something you are grateful for, I know this sounds trite but it does work.  Repeat positive thoughts over and over again in your mind, write them down.  Examples: you are grateful the wonderful memories you have of your child or maybe you’re just grateful that the sun is shining today, any little thing you can think of to be thankful for.  Next week, see if you can’t think of two things you are grateful for.  I know this can be a tough one (it was for me in the beginning), but it truly does help.

• Look for support-Maybe you will find support online.  Maybe you can join a local support group.  Maybe you will read every book you can find on child loss to read for support.  Find what works best for you.  Books are the one thing that helped me the most (I guess that’s why I wrote one).  Now I find a great deal of support from a local group that I founded in my area. 

Today and for the next couple of weeks as September 11^th draws nearer, I will challenge myself to take care during this melancholy time.  I challenge all of you to do the same during your dispirited times.  Pick one or two of the ideas I have listed here and just see if any of them are helpful to you. 

This is a difficult journey and it never ends.  But if we can find ways to help each other through another day, another birthdate, another anniversary-we may just find that we are healing a little along the way.