The Widows' Bond: Duct Tape Meets Its Match

Love Facebook, really do. Love catching up with friends, sharing adventures and learning new stuff. This morning I learned something I hate learning. A friend of mine from junior high school posted that she became a widow a week ago. The club no one wants to join. She had married her husband recently and now, well, now he's gone and she's joined " the club."

I take great comfort because she is in a tightly knit religious community known for active and consistent support for church members. A solid faith tradition which is based on community, so for that I am thankful.

Funny how as I read those words I flashed back to water skiing with her when we were 13 years old. Her family had taken me along on an all day waterskiing adventure at the Salton Sea. I came home exhausted, sun burned and fulfilled after a day long journey with my beautiful friend and her loving family. Could we even have imagined as young girls we would both end up widowed at a young age?

She never left Southern California and I haven't seen her in years, but one of my instant thoughts was, I must go there and see her. That's the widows' bond. Recently I spent four hours at another widow's home; I had lost touch with her after graduate school and life intervened for both of us. But, when I heard of her loss nothing could keep me from that widow visit.

I know right now I could post a message on multiple group websites and my childhood friend would be inundated with messages of compassion, support and encouragement. Because, well, that's how we widows roll. The bond of losing a spouse is tight and crosses all traditional bounds.

Upon seeing her message, I was speechless... now that's a new one! All of a sudden the things NOT to say flashed before me. Don't say, " It's God's will "; " You weren't married THAT long "; " At least he's no longer suffering." Those may be things NOT to say, but what are the things to say?

Left speechless, I posted " I am heartbroken." That's all. That was all I had in me at that moment. Tonight I will mull over my next step, but I will be back.

So, the take away? The widowed community is a force to be reckoned with. Indeed, when one widow reaches out to another, she will get more love, care and tending than she may even want. Because, like duct tape, the bond created is strong. There are no words that need to be exchanged between widows because WE KNOW.

Funny, when I give presentations to widows' groups, I feel awesome. Awesome because I have "street cred." I have watched non-widows present grief information to widows and, well, the result is not pretty. Indeed one who has not been there may have the academic or book knowledge, but something more is required. Something that can only be felt by experience. I am fortunate to have both. I am thankful for the book learning about grief and the credentials of a psychologist, but I am completely aware that my status as a widow gives me more than all the books and learning in the world.

The scars we all bear. The experiences we all share bond us.

Like duct tape.