Between Lives: Working Through Grief
I am 48 years old and a widow. This is not quite how I thought my life would go. We made it 20 days short of our 25th wedding anniversary before I was left alone. And now, almost a year out, I find myself in this strange alternate reality where I am living between two lives – the one that I had that no longer exists and a new life that can be whatever I make it; however, I have to create it with key ingredients missing.
I read a great post on Facebook recently that describes grief in the best way I have ever heard. Paraphrasing, grief hits you in big waves that eventually come in decreasing intervals but can still come with great intensity, even years later.
For me, the waves are no longer constant, which is nice and not nice at the same time. It is nice, because I no longer feel like I am drowning and there is the space to feel hopeful about the future. Not so nice because as I loosen my grip on the grief, I have to be willing to let go of the life that was and to live in the present.
Hard to do when you have spent more than 25 years – more than half your life with a partner who was gone in the blink of an eye. How do you do it? Well, I’m in the process of figuring that out. One day I’m ready to move forward and do new things, go out with friends and meet new people, and the next day I wonder what I was thinking the day before, and I spend the day melancholy, sad and listening to the music that makes me cry.
It is like living two lives at the same time, waking up each day not knowing which life you will be living that day. It feels a bit psychotic. I understand that is normal, but it feels so strange. What to do? I guess I just keep doing what I’ve been doing, taking each day as it comes and accepting whatever it brings, moving forward, and knowing that eventually the two lives will merge into one – one that can treasure the past and incorporate it into a new future.
Wish me luck.
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