Understanding that once we have lost the truest of love our insides can not even think of wanting another.  This is a subject that is of many differences of opinions.  Many people look to dating as something that should not be done, it is as though widows should always forever hold a shrine to the love that we have lost.  To some extent this is true, our loved ones will always remain with us, memories will never be forgotten.  Your one true love will forever remain, if your like me you will question yourself often "that if you had the best, then why look for someone who will never be"?. 


I do have to admit that I have tried, due to all the wrong reasons, both times I tried failed.  Understand that if you are out there looking for your loved one passed, looking for their qualities, as well as how they loved you is already dooming yourself as well as who ever you meet.  We can not go out into the world in hopes to find our loved one through another, simply due to fact that NO ONE WILL EVER BE THEM, there will only be one, there are no two people alike, unless you have cloned.  Even that don't produce the same qualities as the original.


From the deepest of our hearts we will always wish for that kind of love again, it is normal to want that again, it is normal to want the similarities, why?, of course it is, with our loved ones passed we never been so happy, as well as in love, we had a beautiful life, a history with them.  If they did not leave this world we would still be.  This is something I have always questioned myself about, more so due to the fact that I have a child to think about as well. 


For so many reasons we feel to just give up, giving up is not an option in this life, we suffered the most horrific loss, being unhappy the rest of our life is not the answer. 


I don't like how people put a time frame on this, who are they to put a time frame on anything?, life is unpredictable, through grief there is no time frame, there are no rules, we all do this differently, how long, how fast, is up to us, not statistics. 


Our loved ones would never want us to be miserable, seeing us happy is what helps them to be at ease where they are. 


If your seeking something for all the wrong reasons, to fill a void, then that is something that will always be hurtful to yourself.  However if you are getting a second chance, if you are truly presented to be loved again, that is a blessing to you, something that should be embraced not looked to as it being wrong.  If you are being presented with a second chance, who are you to not want that?, we do not choose love, it chooses us, to get a second chance is a true blessing.  Like it was the first time around, if it was meant to be all unanswered questions, doubts, fears, guilt, will just all disappear, everything will just fall into place.  Your stomach will let you know, your gut feeling will tell you, you will just feel it as well as know it.


Do not put a time frame on anything, this is our life to live, time is time, there is no time put on you building a new life.  Grieving is different for everyone, we all get to where we need to in our own way, at our own pace. 


Being able to be happy with someone again will happen as always when we least expect it.  If we allow ourselves to move forward, it does not mean we are disrespecting our loved ones passed, their love will always remain.  It means we are allowing ourselves to be happy again, we are taking that second chance in life that everyone is given.  To put up a wall around us to forever mourn is like putting our self in prison.  If you can understand that no one will ever be to us what our loved ones passed were to our hearts, that the next person presented to us will  be special in their own ways to us, then that is how you truly understand what second chances are for, why they are given to us.  Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. 


If it truly was meant to be, the next person will always embrace your memories, your hard days, they will understand that they are not in competition nor trying to "fill the shoes".  They will be there to just truly be with you, to show you that in this life we all are always given a second chance.  Like I said before if this was meant to be, you will find yourself falling in to place.  IT ALL JUST FLOWS. 


Negative feelings need to be conquered by you, life is not meant to be miserable, we are all here to live our life, to be happy, to live our life to the fullest.  This all does not mean we need to date to be happy, this all means that if you are presented with a chance that it is NOT TABOO, it is a blessing to have yet again another chance. 


If your reading this in hopes to see how many months?, how many years?, you won't see that, time is time, don't limit yourself to believing there is a time frame.  Do not throw away your second chance for the fact it's too early,it's too soon, things happen for a reason, not on schedule, or by schedule.  I honestly believe when presented with a second chance that he will be the one picked to fit me, to fit my life with my daughter, picked by my one true love passed, brought in my life from him.  Specifically picked for me.


Death is not the end for our loved ones passed, it is a beginning to their souls, their spirit.  A guardian to our lives, believe that their love always touches our lives, they are the working force to help fulfil us here on earth.  So laugh to those who frown upon dating, they are the ones that hold themselves hostage in their life.  Smile knowing that you are living your life to the fullest, your not living in fears, to be fearless is how we live our dreams.  Living out of your boundaries is to truly sulk in your dreams, in your life. 


To those who put labels on everything, label their life.  Life is to be lived freely, to send out love as well as receive it back.


Closing yourself down closes your life down, it closes your eyes, we can not walk in this life closed up, we will never be able to embrace the beauty all around, the truest of blessings that come our way.


NOTE TO ALL:  Living life is love, so who is to say that love is TABOO?


Love yourself, love every chance you get that comes your way, love others with all you have.  We only get one life, not one chance.  Remember our loved ones passed are always working to make sure we have the best possible life.  They are the working force in our hearts, as well as life.  They know what fits us perfectly, they know us perfectly.  Our loved ones passed are truly the working force in our lives that we can not see yet know they are there.  We are not put here in this world to be miserable, we are put here for a purpose, it is up to us to live it, to find it, to be it, thank you Oprah for teaching me this.  Once you find the purpose everything will fall into place as need be.  Life is to give along with receive love, it is part of how life is suppose to be.  I said before, when it happens you will know.  The beauty in it is, you will know.  Grieving is never done, it is something we will carry with us the rest of our lives, it is how we learn to deal with it is what counts.


LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE, three words as I LOVE YOU is three words.


Tonya O




About the Author
BLOGGER FOR ALL GRIEVING ON THE JOURNEY TO WRITING A BOOK "Spouse to Angels in the City" Widow for 11 months also mother of a beautiful little girl http://widowinthecity.blogspot.com
I'm Grieving, Now What?