That Empty Space

There is so much that happens as we travel this road. We get hit from every side conceivable on a moment to moment basis, daily, never knowing what will come along and blind-side us. Will it be a snatch of music, a sudden aroma, the tilt of someones head, a far off voice barely heard? It's all in a phrase, a forgotten coffee mug, a memory. Have you walked into a room and just knew, deep down, the wrongness of it? The brain gets so full up with everything we once considered normal. The usual smile, no longer usual, the voice, the warmth of skin, the small things that built our lives. Now, all that small stuff, it's covers our entire universe. Longing to hear that voice, feel that hug, see that smile. That is what brings us to the emptiness. The empty space that can never be filled.

Sometimes I stand in Tim's room and look at the place I last saw him. Not alive. It is empty of course, but the shadow of that night lingers in the corners. I see again what I saw then. Still my heart is in denial. How much more so would it be if I had not found him? I think my heart will deny until the end of time. It is hard to accept that such life, such vitality could leave this empty, gaping space. The silence of one so loved. Yes, I still hurt like crazy. There are times I think I am losing this battle until I think of others who still need me, maybe someone I have not met yet. It does not stop the echos that emptiness leaves behind, but it helps to remind me that I need to breath and put one foot forward. All it takes is one step.

What creates the empty space is the knowledge that it will never be filled again with the one it was created for. It will remain empty. Knowing that they are not in another state or gone to the store or having a night out with friends. I have heard of others who decide to tell them selves that their loved one has just stepped out for a moment. I envied that ability for a little while, but could not follow that path. I knew I would just have to keep facing that night and to not do so would be worse in the end. I tried filling the emptiness, but everything ran out like liquid. I felt guilt that I would dare to try and put something else in his place. Nothing can fill the place that is his.

In time, one needs to realize that the emptiness does not spread out over their whole being. It has it place within the heart that will never be filled. There are endless places in the heart for everyone you lost and everyone you love. In the beginning, that loss fills it all. In the beginning there is no room for anything but the loss, the hurt, the memories. Some will understand this and give you time to find your footing, others won't. None of that needs to be our concern, not with what we are dealing with. We are taking the first step to rebuild our lives and that could take a long time. It seems that for each stone we set on this new foundation, three fall off. It is frustrating and painful. Baby steps beautiful soul, that is all you need to take, baby steps.

As you learn to deal with your greatest loss remember this. It is okay to step back from the world. You are learning to be strong. This kind of strong is not the learning to be strong at your loss. Who can be strong there? It is a different kind of strength. It is a strength that few know they have, would deny having. I was offended the first time someone told me to be strong. I know they thought it was the right thing to say, but it wasn't. There is no strength left in us when those we love die. Simple, logical, but yet those who do not walk this path don't see it. Our strength comes when we take those baby steps. It comes when we accept that that space will forever remain empty and find it a home in our hearts. Our strength comes from our love. I will never be strong at the loss of my son, never. I will be strong within the world though.

We have lived in Colorado all our lives, born and raised. Everywhere we go, there are echos of Tim. At first, that was so hard to tolerate. I don't want echos, I want my son. I want back that which was lost. Accepting that the memories are what is left, accepting that there will be that emptiness, is hard. Harder than anything I have ever done. Even in accepting, it does not stop the disbelief. Each person has their special place within us whether they live or have passed. The silence of the empty space. I guess it's a good thing we were given hearts that are infinite, we have a lot to fill it with. I cannot love the whole world, but I can sympathize, have compassion, practice understanding. I cry for your loss as I am crying for mine, inside. 'Forever Mom'