"He Didn't Say Goodbye"
11 years ago on Jan, 10, 2005 we buried My Father. He left behind my sister, my brother and Myself along with 13 grandchildren, 3 nephews and His only sister. He left all of us to bare the pain he couldn't.
I knew my father was feeling lonely. We had talked about it on the last phone call I had with him. I tried to talk him into moving here to be with my sister, my Aunt and myself, but my dad didn't like change. He had held the same line of work for 30 plus years and had been working at the same casino for years as the casino pit boss.
My father had been in my thoughts heavily for several days so I called my dad and left a message for him to call me at work. He returned my call the same day but I was with a client and I couldn't take the call. I tried to call him back the next day but no answer. Now in the aftermath of everything.... I now know that when I returned his call the next day he was already dead.
It was another dream like experience just like the one I had the day we took my baby daughter off life support. My world stood still, my arms empty, my heart and life as I knew it had stopped and there I stood completely still. It was like I was in the calm of a tornado. I could hear nothing but a faint lullaby playing in the background as Dr's, nurses, family members tons and tons of family swirling around me. I was their standing with empty arms, void of any feeling.
It was 11 years ago this month that I had the same experience. I was called over the loud speaker at work to please pick up line 2. My aunt (my dads sister) was on the phone and I heard her say "He's dead"! My father had rarely missed a day of work but when he did he always called ahead of time. The casino hadn't heard from him in 3 days and he had missed all 3 days of work. My brother went to our dads house and he found our dad dead laying in a pool of blood. I was now sitting on the floor of my office listening to my aunt talk but again I was in the calm of a tornado standing there void of feeling and all I could hear over and over again was 3 days! 3 days! 3 days! He laid there 3 days!
The very last memory I have of my dad was when he came to visit me and we had dinner together just the two of us. We went to some Irish steak pub called Paddy's. It was special! We laughed A lot and we really enjoyed our time together. When he was leaving he hugged me. And those of you who knew my dad knew when you were hugged by him. Lol! He was the best hugger! He said goodbye and told me. “If anybody can do it, Mitch ma belle, you can.” I laughed and said "Oh stop it dad! I remember this moment vividly, because although we were laughing my father was choking back tears.He kissed my forehead for the last time and he was gone. Perhaps he knew that was the last hug and kiss?
Maybe He did say "GOODBYE"?
My father was a strong man and he had the biggest heart! He was sensitive to others and always willing to help someone in need. Perhaps he was more sensitive than we knew? He loved deeply and obviously felt pain even deeper. With all that being said I still don't understand how he got to the place he did? What could have been so bad that he actually pulled the trigger? It's been 11 years since his death and that's the one question I won't ever have an answer.
My father left his mark on all of our life's. He left his love along with the scar of suicide.The scar runs deep, but so does our families love. A friend told me the other day that "Scars are a testament that You can love deeply and live deeply. You can be cut or even gouged, but You will heal and You will continue to live and continue to love". Scar tissue makes the flesh stronger than it was before"!
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. Or that you will stop missing them over time. The truth is you never stop missing them. Time just toughens you up and you become less sensitive to their absence in your life. When you experience the sudden death of someone you love. You go through a traumatic grieving process.This kind of death is not just painful but it triggers an emotionally complicated and conflicted process. But YOU WILL GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!
The most important thing I have learned through trauma and grief is the antidote is GOD, honesty, support.
I miss my dad but I see so much of him in my own kids, my nieces and nephews that it puts the sweet back into the bitter.
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