Choices That Make A Difference In Coping With The Death Of Your Loved One

Choices make a difference in everything we do. We make a multiplicity of choices every day of our lives. Some help in dealing with a particular problem. Others are so automatic, like brushing your teeth or having a cup of coffee, that we hardly give them a second thought. But the choices you make when mourning dictate how you will experience your journey through grief and whether it will be more arduous or more manageable.

Choices culminate in the actions we take or decide not to take. They especially result in the thoughts we develop about how to deal with the changes and challenges to be faced. We either live reactively as the currents of each day roll over us, or we take charge about how to live life from this point on. How you feel at this very moment as you read this article is based on the choices you have made up to this time.

Here are some choices that frequently lead to reduced pain and adapting to big changes.

1. Choose to avoid unhealthy people, places, and things. It is not unusual for well-meaning people to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. However, if these responses are frequent or especially if the person is constantly negative, a complainer, or wants you to grieve according to their agenda, make every effort to distance yourself from him or her. Likewise, sad stories on television or other media outlets can also cause additional stress and should be avoided. Later in your grief process you may be better able to cope with these events. But early on choose not to expose yourself to unnecessary stress.

2. Choose to be restoration oriented not loss oriented for the rest of your life. Everyone has to deal with various difficulties throughout life. No one is without problems and flaws. Being restoration oriented is a lifelong task each of us has to become proficient in simply because loss and change are conditions of existence. Rise each morning and decide on a plan for getting through the day. Choose according to the nature of the problem most important for you to deal with in the present moment.

3. Choose to examine your limiting beliefs; challenge and change them. We all entertain and hold limiting beliefs at times. When mourning, it is not uncommon initially to believe you are unable to adapt to your loss. Develop a self-coaching strategy to counter and replace those beliefs and reinforce the inherent inner strength you possess. Work on elevating your abilities. Believe you will weather this great storm.

4. Choose thoughts that maintain energy and self-confidence. Look at thoughts as a critical form of behavior that you alone are responsible for releasing or repeating depending on their nature. If you allow demeaning, angry or self-deprecating thoughts to find a home in your head, you will suck the energy you need to cope with right out of you. Are you aware of your energy drains? Allow some inspirational, upbeat, and loving thoughts to stabilize and increase energy stores.

5. Choose to love, even as you mourn. Love is a powerful source of energy and life satisfaction and is especially important as we mourn. It not only gives us a much needed break from sadness but keeps hope and faith alive. Choosing love means to express it to those who have been there for you in your time of need as well as those who have been full of fear and tend to do just enough to say they have helped. Most of all show love through acceptance of all you come in contact with in your daily activities. Practice being in the moment.

6. Choose to accept the new conditions of life. The journey through life is constantly filled with new experiences and opportunities to grow and find wisdom. Regrettably, many of these learning experiences are exceedingly painful and demand great sacrifice and work. However, learning to accept perpetual life changes of various types as well as strategies to deal with them is a solid mental health principle. If you will honestly adopt this principle as a strong belief, it will be a major step forward in managing your loss. Resistance to what is only leads to unnecessary suffering.

7. Choose to be your own best friend. It is well-known that the death of a loved one can dramatically change us. That change can be for the better because we have learned so much, or it can be for the worse because we have allowed loss to consume us. In either case, whatever unfolds comes from within and is solely under your control.

You have wisdom. Respect, care for, and honor the self. And it is necessary to take the time to do so each and every day. Listen to your inner voice, to your heart. Regardless of age, you have much to give to the world. Do what is pleasing to you. Maintain an appropriate balance between your grief work and building new routines that increase self-worth and reduce anxiety. You will prevail.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Healing Grief, Finding Peace: 101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and was the founding President of Hospice & Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website ishttp://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.