Pain vs. Suffering

Pain vs. Suffering

What do Tony Robbins and the Buddha have in common?

Well, among other things, they both teach us that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Tony explains that suffering occurs when our story for how life should be doesn’t match our reality.

The Buddha teaches that to end suffering, one must attune herself to the joys and pain of the present moment and observe both equally, with non-attachment.  

Notice that neither claims that pain in our lives does not exist!  They both know, through personal experience and spiritual wisdom, that we will all experience loss sooner or later.  But, with that wisdom, we can avoid additional suffering.

Through these teachings, we may more easily understand violence, anger, even depression.  Understanding how we can lessen our suffering in regards to grief, however, may be more difficult.  

Key to our understanding is the realization that we are not necessarily being asked to accept the loss of our loved one but instead we are invited to accept our pain, anguish, and the many conflicting and confusing emotions we feel while grieving.

So often in Western culture, we are asked to be at odds with our reality after a loss. The people around us, and even ourselves, ask for the crushing physical and emotional pain of loss to be compartmentalized, to be turned on and off depending on our surroundings.  We are not given time to heal, physically, and this disconnect from our pain is what can cause additional suffering.

An example of suffering on top of pain comes from comparing your healing process to others’.  For whatever reason, we all grieve differently and on different timelines. Allowing yourself to truly feel and process in your own way and on your own timeline is a way to accept your pain without adding suffering.

After a while, suffering can even be found in the resistance to our new futures.  If we continually create a story of how our lives should have been without our loss, we suffer unnecessarily.  I remember the day I realized that my new family, full of cherished sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, simply wouldn’t have been possible without the mutual losses that allowed my mother and stepfather to meet in a support group. Continuing to resist this reality, as I did in my youth, would have cost me the incredible love and belonging I now feel.

The most confusing form of suffering can come after joy and peace inevitably return to our lives.  We may have difficulty accepting that at some point, we may laugh, delight, and dream again.  When these moments happen, they are our reality.  Joy doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten your beloved.  It is essential to survival that our bodies heal, but additional suffering can sometimes come from guilt of surviving, and even thriving.

So, how can we practice matching our storylines with reality in order to avoid additional suffering?

First, we can learn to distinguish between pain and suffering.  In my experience, pain is felt in our bodies, while suffering is created by the mind.  A simple mindfulness practice (like the one below) can help us find clarity.

In addition, stretches and bodywork meant to release trauma can be very beneficial. Both with help stimulate the Parasympathetic Nervous (“rest and digest”) System and calm the Sympathetic Nervous (“fight or flight”) System, enabling us to more clearly differentiate between pain and suffering.

You may also be able to support the Parasympathetic Nervous system with aromatherapy, which can be used to support a sense of calm and safety.

Mindfulness Practice

Begin with deep breaths into the entire torso, placing one hand over your belly and one hand over your heart.  Simply breathe.  As much as possible, keep your attention on the sensation of your belly and chest rising and falling beneath your hands.  

Understand that difficult emotions will arise.  When they do, you may want to raise your arms above your head and stretch.  This allows our chest to gently open and signals to the body that we are indeed safe, despite what our minds may be telling us.

Sit for 5-10 minutes in this way.  Be patient with yourself and avoid criticising the pain and thoughts that may arise.  Instead, simply sit quietly, allowing the reality of your pain to be, fully, as it is, without additional suffering.

I wish for you peace and happiness in this very difficult time.  If you have any questions or if I can help you in any way, please feel free to contact me.  

With love, Lisa