My hope is after you read this you will understand,(I am sure you do). Tears are something I tend to run from, The pain I feel that brings on my tears is just Gods way of clensing. I decided to quit running from this.
My husband was a Christian, and more than speaking about his love for Jesus He displayed it every day with how he loved the boys and I. I want to tell you about one time, so personal, but a must to reveal.
October 6, 2011.. My husband is in his hospice bed in OUR room, his CD that had his favorite song was playing(I can only imagine) I knew time was short and was still not wanting to let him go. ( We had been an item for 23 years and married for 18. I loved my husband with every thing that was in me) My one prayer to God was to end his suffering(and ours, because it hurt deep to watch him go on like he was) I asked God to let me know when his moment to enter the Kingdom of heaven came so he would not be alone. I bathed and massaged my husbands body every day. Touching him to let him know I was there. Talking to him about beautiful things we had experienced in our lives together, and told him how much I loved him as often as I could. His breathing had changed slightly and I was talking to my Aunt (who is a Christian) asking her to pray when I felt a strong breeze blow over me and it seemed to stop at a tree outside our bedroom window. Somehow I knew it was time. My aunt heard me say "Bob you are leaving me" I ran to his room and his breathing was labored and harsh sounding. I called the hospice nurse and told her his condition. (I remember feeling a great fear of watching my husband die, but my love for him kept me by his side) I held his hand and could feel his pulse race, he was struggling(fighting) to breath. I leaned down and told him the boys and I would be ok, God had wrapped us with such love from so many. I told him I loved him as he drew his last breath. His song I can only imagine was playing at that moment and as I shut his eyes I whispered in his ear "Now you dont have to imagine, I am going to miss you but I will try to be strong" I remember feeling how private a moment it seemed to be there as he went to be with Jesus. I would of felt it intrusive had anyone but family been there. My children and I stayed by his body and talked to to him for some time.
This one moment will forever be with me, but I know my husband is with Jesus in a perfect body. THAT IS MY JOY.
Now, we are trying to find our way without my husband. Death is part of life, it will come to us all. My hope is that I will one day have no more tears(probably unrealistic) but right now, tears come. I will not run any more. I cry because my heart is sad, I cry because things move me, I cry to heal.
A broken heart