Advice from a Griever: How to Survive a Loss in the New Year

In my personal and professional experience I have found that, overall, people like to help each other. It’s a general statement, but there are signs of it everywhere, and I think we find our true joy and purpose when we are helping another person. Not only is it the kindness we often get in return, but that feeling of having something to offer that makes it so great.

Most would assume this only happens when times are good. When our life is in order and everything is going well for us, only then are we able to look outside of ourselves to see if anyone else needs assistance.

But I find that’s not the case and I see examples of this in every group I facilitate, every interaction I have among grievers, and now through our site, www.griefincommon.com.

Because although our site was designed to be a place for grievers to come to get help, I see how often they are going there to give help. That may not be the intention and they may not even realize it, but those who are grieving are each others’ greatest teachers.

Recently we had a post from a member that was filled with so much care, encouragement, light, and love, I asked her if I could share it with a larger group.

And of course, like all the grievers I’ve met before her…she was happy to help.

An excerpt from her post, and advice on how to cope with a loss:

“To Everyone Here:

I am so very sorry for your losses. I know full well, how you all feel. I have really lost everyone in my life that ever meant anything to me and the word “hard” doesn’t even come close. Most recently, my Mom last May. She was also my best friend, like many of you. I also lost my wonderful step-dad nearly 12 years ago and it feels like yesterday. He was really my Dad in every sense of the word and when you lose both parents, part of you is really gone forever. I have also lost people in my life, not through death, but through unforgivable acts that have caused permanent estrangement and also my divorce. It’s hard to be alone…no doubt. 

However there are many things that I have learned having lost so much and I’d like to share them with you all. Perhaps they will help and also bring some comfort.

• You can’t put a timetable on “healing.” Everyone is different. There are some losses that you never truly heal from You just learn how to adapt and live.
• Whenever possible, you need to think of yourself, first and foremost. Be gentle and kind to yourself and feel your emotions. 
• Don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it.” That’s not what friends or people who really care about you do.
• Express your feelings. Cry, feel sad, remember, feel lost. And then one day all of the sudden you’ll have a faint smile.
• Keep as busy as you possibly can. Get up each morning and start moving. 
• Do your best to get enough rest and try to eat healthy. Take care of you. 
• Join a support group. It really helps. Even if you aren’t the talkative type, just listening to so many people who feel the same pain will help. 
• If you don’t have a pet and you’re an animal lover and allowed to have them….get a rescue dog or cat. It’s amazing how animals can help you heal. 
• Keep and display pictures of your loved ones in your home. It may help you feel closer to them. 
• Not everyone is a cemetery person, but I am. I go at least once a month and have long conversations with my parents. It’s comforting. 
• Most importantly, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. There’s no shame in that and a site like this very much provides that.

I know the holidays are very hard when you’ve lost someone you loved. They are unbearable sometimes for me. But after January 1st I look around and realize that yes…I survived yet another holiday season. With many tears and some smiles, I know I’m strong and can handle whatever comes along. Everyone should take pride in how resilient the human spirit is. Life can still be good. 

To Everyone….a very Happy and Healthy New Year.”