Finally, i can sift thru Keith's things and discard some-IF the guilt doesn't consume me.......

February 26. 11 years. 11 whole years these green eyes have not seen those beautiful sparkling brown eyes and those perfect,straight white teeth. To say i have struggled would be the single biggest understatement ever. I have done things quite a bit differently however. If you follow my posts, you will read I have been a "runner" under the assumption if I kept myself very,very busy i could run from my feelings and the truth. All that did was exhaust me,terrify me and set up my house of cards for a HUGE collapse. When I finally did allow myself to be honest (on vacation with my husband-at which I told him we had to leave,and did) i needed a leave of absence from work and twice a week counseling and STILL don't quite get my "two-brains" to sync. One is always,ALWAYS playing the Keith reel, while the other does my new hated life without my Keith. 

It's a confusing,yet comforting art and i have come to get used to it. I live my life on very little sleep, confusion,no focus ,loving the crap out of my daughter and helping others when I can. I am very thankful for a husband who has worked tirelessly to provide for me,but he ,too doesn't talk about Keith. 

We have not touched barely a single thing in Keith's room. A few months ago I threw out two items and was sick for a month. Lately,I have been doing alot of thinking.What am I doing? Like really? What am I doing? WHO is going to wear these now yellow tshirts....socks.......why am I saving them? I wrote in my "Keeper of the stuff" pretty much the same thing,but now with alot more thought,i realize noone after Randi,my husband and myself....other than possibly Randi's children,noone will know of Keith. It makes more sense to me to now organize these things,throw out(i can barely even type that) what is so old noone can use it ,and have someone make use of these things in Keith's HONOR. 

With this thought,i have taken HUGE steps......I cleaned out his entire dresser...sent away for a memory box to have all of our old videos to be made into DVD's,and a painter came in today to give me a price on painting his room. He starts tomorrow. His dresser will be given to someone who truly needs one. And,i have decided to -gulp- throw out his futon,as it truly has seen better days. I am putting up 2 nice shelves to put his things and a comfy chair with an ottoman so you can still go in there to look at all his pictures.

Big,big moves for me. This has NOT been an easy day for me. But,if I'm being honest,I feel pretty good. I feel.......relief. It's time. Time to move FORWARD,not AWAY. My memories go wherever i go. A dresser does NOT make my memory come to me.Who USED that dresser and that bedroom defines my thoughts. That is what's in my reel. I can do this.