Grief and Courage

During the holidays my wife and I were having a discussion about our Being With Grief meetup group. We started this group over a year ago and now have over 60 members. That number tells us there are a lot of people out there who recognize that they are suffering and grieving for one reason or another. Yet, only a handful of those people actually show up at each meeting.

Grief can devastate you and bring you to a low point. In our conversation, we wondered what makes some people reach out for help when they are feeling most vulnerable and some hold back. Asking for help is a sign of strength, and an awareness that we can call upon others in our need.  My wife and I, both reached that point in our loss. We knew with certainty that the way forward was to trust and turn to someone in our pain.

We were curious about the difference between someone who not only recognizes his or her grief and is willing and ready to reach out for help and those people who recognize the grief but do not reach out. As we explored further, we acknowledged that it takes courage to take that next step, a step further into the unknown, to talk about grief with another person.  After our daughter, Leah died we were both told we had great courage, but we sure didn’t feel that way. So, we want to name it for you as courage; courage to consult another who has experienced loss and go deeper into your pain, willing to feel feelings that may be scary and uncomfortable.

Turning to someone who has survived a devastating loss is a lesson we relearn throughout life. So many cartoons illustrate the seeker climbing the mountain to visit the sage. Learning lessons from someone who has been able to make a new path for themselves when they were at their own personal low point offers help when you feel directionless. 

Sometimes we get in our own way and inhibit our own healing.  We tell ourselves that, “If I were stronger I would be able to handle this. This is what life has dealt me and I will just have to deal with it”. That is not to say that the pain of grief is any less. We feel the raw openness that can accompany the knowledge that after loss our lives will never be the same. Somehow we convince ourselves that we can blunder through loss and figure it out; that “time heals all wounds,” however, time alone does nothing.

After people contact us and join the Meetup group, they feel better for a moment. As the date of the meeting grows closer there may be fear of having to dive into the pain in order to heal. They choose not to attend the meeting, and so, they end up depriving themselves of the very thing that could allow them to turn a corner.

Stress comes in many forms, especially when you are grieving. In my work with the Grief Recovery Method they are called “S.T.E.R.B.’s” or short-term energy reducing behaviors. They are mechanisms people use to cope with the stress of loss. It can be any behavior that helps you feel better. Shopping, reading, eating, surfing the internet, drinking, sleeping, using drugs; literally anything that gets our mind off the pain of loss. But, we don’t find true courage in a bottle, in a pill, or even in a new novel. These distractions can easily become addictions and crutches that never let us walk unassisted.

True courage is what it takes to walk into a situation where you know the answers will be difficult and progress will be hard won. It is the willingness to be willing, as Nancy has told me on more than one occasion, to put yourself in the moment.  I hope that when you have your moment of vulnerability and turn to someone who has walked your path that your courage does not fail you and that you are able to take your first steps on the path to healing.

Dan Loeffler

Grief Recovery Specialist