Almost 28 months.....

Almost 28 months.....

Almost 28 months I have lived without Brian here with me. 28 months I have taken deep breathes holding onto the strength he left behind for me.

When people ask me how have I made this long, how have I been able to still be moving forward without Brian my answer is simple....I don’t know. I know that isn’t the answer they want to hear but it is the most honest one. All I can tell you is that when Brian passed away I literally had two choices. 1) Die with him. Whether that was by the thoughts of suicide that constantly played in my head or crawl up in a ball, never to leave my bedroom again and allow the darkness to win and die from a broken heart or 2) Get up each day and live for him. Get up each day and make to the next without my boy with me. Fight with every fiber of my being to make his life, as short as it was, matter. To have my life count and matter for him and for me.

There are no easy answers after we lose our children. There are no simple directions to follow. You do not go through the “stages of grief” after you lose a child and miraculously wake up after the last one and be like “Hooray, I made it, I am healed” This will last a lifetime.

What I can tell you is that I have made it almost 28 months without Brian because I had no other choice but to. I made a choice to rise. I made a choice to take the tragedy of his death not have it mean everything. His death shakes me to the core. But his life, oh his life, brings me so much joy and smiles. 17 years of being his mom is the greatest gift I was ever given. The joy he brought to me, the laughs, the fun memories, the tears, the chats, the trips -  there are so many moments that could never be taken away from me, that is what I try to focus on daily.  

I have shed tears each day for almost 28 months. In the midst of my pain, I have learned to laugh again. I have learned to accept joy, in spite of the pain. I am continuously learning how to navigate through this world without my son. I fall, a lot. But I always get up.

If someone would of told me that I would still be here almost 28 months later after losing Brian in that car accident I would of told them they were crazy. But I am here. I am living not just going through the motions each day. 

If you are new to this journey of child loss, I am so sorry. My heart aches with you and for you. No parent should lose their child and there are no good reasons, ever, as to why we should learn to live a life without them. But I am here to tell you that you can make it! You can find strength in the weakness. Joy in the pain. Laughter in the tears. You will see this world through a different set of eyes. You will make it!! Never give up Hope! Never give up on the love and bond you share with your child to make it another day! Never let that bond and love die! One day, you will be more than just okay.