Letting Go

The selfish side that just wanted my Mama to stay here with me had to stop being selfish and  face the facts of what was happening no matter how I felt.  I could not fathom my life without my best friend but I also could no longer watch my Mom suffer as her body gave in to the sepsis that was shutting her entire being down.  I was alone, I called my pastor.  He told me that the most loving thing I could do for my mom was to let her go. She had been through 12 long days of downhill hell and was only getting worse.  I could not even say the words to the nurse in ICU so I had to write on a piece of paper. I simply said "I have to let her go".  He asked me to say yes or no to the following question.  He asked, "Do you want to remove your Mother's life support knowing that she is not going to recover anyhow and also understanding that when the life support is removed, your mom will soon pass away there after?"  I shook my head yes.  My mom fought for breathe for 2 hours as I was holding her and praying, singing her favorite hymns and finally letting her know that it was ok that she let go and go to Heaven to be with our Family.  I told her to go see my brother that had passed when he was 36 years old.  At 2:21 am, Feb 1st, 2018...she finally let go.  I continued to hold her and cry, I couldn't let go!!  Although I had to eventually let her go from my arms, I have not let her go in any other way.  I yearn for my mom.  EVERY DAY.  I don't know if it will ever let up, this empty I feel in my heart. I love her and long to hear her voice, feel her hugs, hold her hand, smell the scent of oil of olay lotion that she used daily! :)    Oh how I miss you so.  MOM....I HOPE YOU HEAR ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!  I'm just not the same person because I still can't figure out how to be ok without my Mama here with me.

Holding onto my Mom as she transitioned to our Eternal Home...
About the Artist

My name is Stephanie.  I am a Mother.  I am a Nurse.  These 3 titles are what defines me but unfortunately, grief is what has recently limited me.  To be brief, yet give an idea of the extent of losses I have endured in my 42 years, it goes as follows.  I was 12 when my paternal grandmother that taught me so much at a young age about the love of Christ, passed from cancer.  Years later, I lost a baby in my 2nd Trimester of pregnancy.  This loss was not the work of our Lord but was forced on me despite my fight.  My Dad was next, at only 53 he passed unexpectedly from a massive stroke.  His father, my Papa died 6 months later of a broken heart from burying his only son.  2 years later, my only sibiling, my brother unexpectedly left us as well, at the age of 36. In June, 2012…My dear nanny whom I adored was called home after battling Alzheimer’s for 2 years.  I was her caregiver and was holding her in my arms when I gave her hand to Jesus.  2014, my stepfather that loved me and my son as his own very quickly got ill and passed within 2 months of his diagnoses of pulmonary fibrosis, despite the doctors giving him 6-12 months.  I was his caregiver as well.  2016, my son’s beautiful girlfriend went away college after they graduated HS and was murdered before her 1st semester ended.  Now the present, the worse pain that my heart has ever endured.  My best friend, My Mom, unexpectedly and quickly got ill and passed on 2-1-18.  There are still some losses in between but these are the closest, my entire family.  My son and I remain and I pray to the Good Lord to keep us safe and allow us a long comfortable life.  That is especially prayed by me for my son, daily.  My mom’s death has changed me as a person.  She was my best friend and my hero. Learning how to live without her has been the biggest challenge of my life.  I still can’t figure it out.