Three Weeks, Three Losses

November 13, 2005: Rabbi: “Do you take this woman for better or for worse, in sickness and in health….to be your…wife?”

Lee: I do.

February 13, 2006: A co-worker: “Robyn, sorry to disturb the meeting, but your husband is on the phone with a family emergency.”  I pick up the phone and before my husband could even speak, I bawl, “My brother is dead.”

After taking a week and a half off of work, I collected myself and tried to go back. However, I could not properly function: I cried at everything, had memory loss, and an ache in my chest where my heart was. After two days, I was told not to come in on Monday, that I was upsetting the co-workers and it would be best if I took an extended indefinite leave without pay. On top of these two losses, our dog Baby, who was the ring bearer at the wedding, also died.

The triple loss in my life was compounded when most of my family, friends, and co-workers at the wedding abruptly stopped all communication with me. I was left alone in a clouded abyss of grief and I felt as if I had developed leprosy. This internal feeling led to an atrocious period in my life; to date, I still do not understand where the jovial faces from the wedding have disappeared to.

I knew that I would not reapply for my former job and decided that that aspect of my life needed a change too. I enrolled in a local school program and applied for financial aid. At the same time, I started working in the family business. I felt I needed the closeness of my parents and they needed closeness with me. I attended individual counseling sessions at a hospice facility that permitted me to bring my greyhound for support. I got involved in an organization in order to place former racing greyhounds in loving homes. I had incorporated something that my loved one enjoyed into a worthwhile cause; most importantly, this gave me a reason to get out of bed. I also started a new hobby, raising orchids, which included joining a local society and going to shows. I used my indefinite free time to reevaluate my career path and create a positive memory of my brother for myself.

Through time, I also learned that those people who cut off all communication were shallow, and I let their memories slip away. The people that did call, text, or e-mail, were trying the best they could to be a part of my life. My pain let me communicate to them in the form I felt most comfortable with. I often held nothing back because I did not feel it was my responsibility to protect the feelings of others. For example, some people asked me how I was doing (an empty gesture) and I did not feel like getting into the whole story, but would have felt guilty if saying okay or fine. Instead I said, “I feel repugnant today.”  I enjoyed the facial expressions I observed.

The love of my husband, parents, and gentleness of my greyhound helped me through this turbulent time of simultaneous losses in my life. I learned that my mind is very powerful and when used appropriately, it protected me. To anyone living with a recent loss in your life, know that things will easier with time and time moves ultra fast when one is busy.

I know I will never get over it, but over time, things have gotten easier.