The days after my husband's aorta dissected have run together. I can barely tell one day from another. However, I can tell that I am feeling despair. After three emergency surgeries within a week my husband's life hung in the balance, halfway between death and life. He was in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) for three weeks and, though he has been transferred to "step down," he is frail, confused, and not himself.
I had extreme anticipatory grief during each operation. This grief continued in the ICU and followed me to the rehabilitation floor. My feelings swing from dark despair to glittering hope. All of the other family members I met in the ICU had similar feelings. "You're pulled one way and then the other," a woman confided. "It's exhausting."
My husband needs me more now that he has ever needed me and I need to be strong for him. I needed to take action against despair. Psychologist Kate Roberts, PhD writes about taking this action in her article, "Removing Despair from Depression," posted on thePsychology Today website. Despair is a form of depression and Roberts thinks we need to avoid being depressed about our depression.
She also thinks we have the ability to separate emotional problems from practical ones. While her steps for doing this sound simple, they require clear thinking and a calm approach. The first step is to question our beliefs. Did we hear information correctly? If we are uncertain about something, it's okay to ask questions.
Humor is important too, according to Roberts. "Humor provides a way of seeing things differently," she explains. Humor can surface at odd times, even when we are feeling anticipatory grief. Finally, Roberts asks us to assess our personal skills. How did I follow her suggestions?
Each morning I visited my husband at 8 a.m., the time when doctors and nurses make rounds. I listened to the rounds and asked questions when I didn't understand something. Keeping a gratitude journal has also helped me. My journal is a mental one, yet it is powerful. For example, I am grateful for a house that I love, the support of my extended family and caring friends.
When it came to assessing my skills I was matter-of-fact. At this age and stage of life I know myself pretty well. I make To Do lists, cross off the items as they are accomplished, and get the information I need. During times of crisis I know solitude can be my enemy and my solace. That's why I'm reaching out to people in my support system and why I write about my feelings.
Removing despiar from anticipatory grief isn't an easy process, but it's a possible one. I'm glad I found Robert's article on the Internet because it added to my skill set. As she explains, "Learning the skills of life not only makes you less depressed, it makes you less depressible." I remain strong for my husband, cling to the hope that he will get stronger, walk again (maybe with the support of a walker) and love him more each day.
Copyright 2013 by Harriet Hodgson
Harriet Hodgson has been a freelance writer for 36+ years and is the author of 33 published books, including eight grief resources. Her latest resources are "Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss" and "Help! I'm Raising My Grandkids." Visit her website and learn more about this busy author.
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