An Empty Chair For The Holidays: Surviving The Season After Loss (Part I)

So that time of the year is upon us. The Holidays... It should... It always used to be... the absolute happiest time of the year. But, of course, that was before...

How are you supposed to handle it? How are you supposed to cope with all the people who want to be festive and communal around you, when you seem to be growing increasingly convinced that you simply want to be left alone???!!!

Whether this is your first holiday season you are facing without - or this will be merely the latest of numerous grief-filled ones before... It is a very lonely and powerless feeling. Perhaps that feeling stems from it being bothersome that everyone around you is so jovial. Perhaps it is frustrating that it seems no one around you understands. Perhaps it's a bit aggravating how easily everyone else seems to be carrying on with their lives.

What do you do?

Well first, obviously everyone around you isn't going to shift to your way of thinking - and the reality is, regardless of how angry, depressed, broken, lost, frustrated, confused, detached, forgotten about and lonely you might, in this moment, feel... Ultimately what really feeds these painful states is the feeling of isolation. As a result, chances are your least best option is choosing to spend the holidays all alone.

So, following I offer some coping mechanisms to consider for leading up to the big three dreaded days. Fulfillment of any combination, or perhaps even one of these mechanisms alone, can serve to reduce your pressure, anxiety and stress associated with this now not so joyous time of the year.

Leading Up To The Holidays...

• Let The Tears Flow - You're probably not crazy about this one; however, it happens to be crucial. Tears relieve pressure. What typically happens is our negative thoughts, doubts and fears tend to cause the pressure (and the resulting stress) to rise more and more, unabatedly, as the calendar gets closer and closer to the day. We do everything we can not to cry - telling ourselves we don't want to feel worse. This only serves to create the conditions for a perfect storm. A pending natural disaster of sorts perfectly poised to strike on the holiday - when it will likely take its highest toll.

Tears are vital for helping get the pressure back to a manageable level. Tears are vital for the healing to occur. The presence of tears means you have tears in you that need to come out. So, how is it really helping you to continue to suppress them - allowing the emotion only to build up to a crescendo, and possibly even explode, on the holiday?

• Don't Keep Your Thoughts Bottled In - Find somebody with whom you can talk about how you feel. Unexpressed thoughts tend to fester - often times marinading in a noxious stew of angst, misery and woe. This is highly toxic both to your health and any chances you have of beginning to feel better. It's important to find the right person (or people) to talk to though. You need someone who is going to help to provide beneficial support and perspective - not someone who will only stir and exacerbate the toxicity of the stew.

• Take The Pressure Off - Things are not the same. Therefore, you cannot make them the same. So stop trying to convince yourself that there so much you can do to save the day. By the same token, stop thinking you will ruin the day. The day will be what it is. There will be some sad moments, and if you have heeded the first two bullets, hopefully a few happier moments - as occasional thoughts give way to good memories and the love you will always share.

• Release The Expectations, Release You - The day will be what it will be. Know that you will survive it. Others won't act as you expect them to - and neither should they. Everyone has their own set of experiences. And everyone has their own way of dealing with loss (and life) - sometimes beneficial for them and sometimes not so much. It's important to continue reminding yourself however, minors aside, this does not have to be your primary concern. No, your vital concern is the healing you first need to do.

So, now that you've been well-equipped with these helpful pre-holiday coping steps... What should you do on the holidays themselves? After all, those are the most challenging days... the days with all those people constantly around you... the days when your struggle is greatest not to offend.

Well, suffice it to say you're going to want to get your hands on "An Empty Chair For The Holidays: Surviving The Season After Loss (Part II)". In it, I'll share some additional ideas and approaches to help make the days themselves no longer so painstaking.

As a Grief Resolution and Empowerment Coach, I empower survivors with the tools, insight and support to resolve deep grief and heartache - in turn, equipping them with greater confidence, empowerment and communication skills for improved handling of day-to-day responsibilities and stressors... Are you ready to finally find your footing on the road back from grief - and perhaps even begin to discover your smile again?

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