Daddy's Gone

I think one of the hardest things we are expected to do in life is tell a child, “Daddy’s Gone.” We are already in shock, struggling to come to grips with something we hardly understand. When they look at you, with those trusting, unconditional eyes, a new heartache arises. How to tell this child, who thought their daddy was their hero, that daddy has gone away? My grandson is 4 years old and his mother was either unwilling or unable to tell Sky, so 5 days after Tim’s passing, it was left up to me. I had never done something like this before, but I had also never lost a child of my own before. So, still reeling with the deepest pain imaginable, they brought Sky to me.

The first words out of Sky’s mouth when he burst through the door was “Where’s my daddy,gramma?” The fight to keep the tears from falling had begun. I pulled him up onto my lap and did not know what to say. As he looked into my eyes, I knew he had hear something. The knowing was there but he waited for me. Thats when I found out the heart, already shattered, could break some more. “Daddy’s gone away,” I said. “When is he coming back?” Was the quick reply. “Daddy’s not coming back Blue.” He hung his head and was thinking on that when his mother said, “He went up there,” she pointed at the ceiling, “Do you know where that is?” Sky’s eyebrows rose and he said, “Is he on the roof?” She did not answer. “No Blue,” I said, “Daddy has gone to the stars.” “How did he get there? Did he go in a rocket ship? Is he on the moon?” I was lost, what could I say to this boy? “Yeah, on the moon. He wanted to be where he could see you and love you and watch out for you.” Sky did not cry, he is only 4, only a little boy as he likes to say. “But I’ll miss him if he stays on the moon.” “I’ll miss him too, Blue, so very much.” Heart break is two words not one, heart break. Sky slid off my lap and went to play with his trucks.

Over the months, Sky talks about Tim and the stars and moon. He wanted to know if daddy took a rocket ship and if he could build one someday and go see daddy on the moon. I told him that daddy did not need a rocket ship, that he had gotten wings. That made Sky happy, he said, “So daddy left the rocketship for me so I can go see him some day.” We have many talks like that and each time, it strikes the heart very hard. I would not stop him from talking though, that is his way. He will tell grandpa that it is time to have a ‘conversation.’ When he says that, we know he wants to talk about daddy. He will take his grampa outside and sit on the sidewalk and talk about Tim and when he is done he will say, ‘Okay, conversation over.’ And it is until the next time. He always asks at those times how much do we miss daddy and how much he misses him. He talks about rocket ships and the moon and stars.

Recently, my other grandsons dog died. Sky thought that dog was the best dog, but then, he loves all animals. When it came time to tell Sky that Skippy had gone to the stars, he asked me if she was with daddy. I said yes, that she had gone to daddy. Sky clapped his hands and said that made him happy, that daddy was not alone, he had Skippy. You never know how a little one will view the world around them. They do not see it as adults do. I wish I had the sight of a child. At the dinner table last night, i told Sky that we would have a Dinner conversation. i told him that mean’t he would tell me about his day, what he did, if it was a good day and what he wanted to do tomorrow. He grinned and talked all though dinner. He also told me that his mommy called that kind of conversation ‘trash’. Ah well, he enjoyed it. At the end of dinner he looked at me and said, “At least we watered the roses so they will be beautiful when daddy comes back from the stars. When is he coming back gramma?” The tears popped up, could not stop them. “Not for a long time gramma?” I nodded, “It’s okay gram, don’t be sad. See, I am happy, are you happy?” Oh the words of children. “Yes, Blue, I am always happy when you are with me.” He laughed and went to wash up. I cried for a little bit, straightened my shoulders and became ‘Rubber Ducky’ on one of Sky’s Semi-trucks.

I do not know what is right or wrong to tell a child when one of their parents have passed. You cannot tell them the whole of it, that would be cruel, but not telling them enough leaves you wide open for problems later. I know that he knows alot about it because in his moms house they do not wait for the kids to leave the room before they talk about anything and everything. Most of it should not be discussed around children but hey, as I have been informed, it’s none of my business and she will raise ‘her’ kids anyway she wants. I am glad Sky is strong, strong in spirit and soul. He needs to be.

Telling Sky about daddy the way I did may not have been the right thing, but then, death is not right either. We do the best we can to ease their hurt as we are all walking on strange ground too. He knows that he can talk about daddy or anything he wants here. He knows we miss Tim as much as he does. I know that someday, the hard questions will come. Hopefully, I have time to get it right for him. We do not think about what we will tell those left behind, it is not something that is normal to think about so we are unprepared to deal with it. We muddle through and do the best we can under the worst of conditions.

I try to never cry in front of Sky and have noticed that he does not cry either. Maybe, he needs for someone to cry with him and not doing it in front of him is not helping him. There are things I do not know. There are no maps or directions on how to do this. I find that in this, telling a child, is like grief. Everyone does it different and none of us know the right or wrong, just that we have little to no choice in doing it.