Love Trumps Grief

“I’m going to a national conference for children that have died.” This statement does not bring to mind happy people, drinking at the bars, gathering around pianos singing songs, and lonely businessmen chasing pretty young flight attendants. In fact, most people on the outside of such a tragic situation would try to avoid such a gathering like the plague. I mean really, who wants to get together with a bunch of parents, grandparents and siblings that have lost loved ones way too early in their lives? And to be completely candid, I got in the car to drive to Chicago this past weekend not sure of what exactly I would find when I arrived at the Compassionate Friends USA National Conference 2014. What I discovered when I arrived, surprised me, touched me, and gave me everything I could have hoped for.

I was familiar with the Compassionate Friends because my son David died at the age of 10 in 2009. One of the very first things I heard from people who had either lost a child or knew people who had was that I needed to find my local chapter and go to a meeting. They assured me it would not be a religious meeting full of dogmatic platitudes about how “God needed another angel.” My wife and I both attended several meetings, and they gave us both the hope and strength to know that we could survive the unimaginable, and that with love and perseverance, there was a road forward. I did not become a regular attendee, because support groups in general are not my favorite type of organizations, but ever since, when someone I am familiar with has suffered the unimaginable, the first thing I do is suggest The Compassionate Friends.

Once I discovered the road forward in my life, and had traveled it for some time, I found myself searching to use my talents as an actor, writer and improviser to help others who were struggling with grief. I founded Healing Improv, a nonprofit that offers no-cost workshops that use comedy improv exercises to loosen emotions. I also published a book that explains how the improv increases connectivity with others, and basically gives them permission to laugh again and see there is joy still to be had. Last December in Grand Rapids, Healing Improv even hosted one of Compassionate Friends’ World Wide Candle Lightings for the children that have died around the world. It was well attended, and gave many people real comfort. It was a solemn and respectful remembering of our departed children.

Shortly after the turn of the year, I was fortunate to be invited to The Compassionate Friends Conference and share our program with the people in attendance. Needless to say I was thrilled. The local workshops we have done have been very rewarding for those in attendance, and I was anxious to spread the good work we were doing. So this past Friday evening, with well over 200 of the conference attendees packed into the Grand Ballroom C of the Hyatt Regency, I put Healing Improv to work for the largest group of people I have ever worked with at one time. The result was magical. Laughter erupted over and over again, and this group of people who had spent much of the day in sessions exploring other aspects of what it means to be a bereaved parent, grand parent or sibling, consumed the fun and hilarity of the improv games with the fervor someone wandering in the desert imbibes fresh water. They could barely get enough. It’s truly something special to see people yelling and screaming over a giant game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”

Now of course, not everyone who attended stayed for the entire presentation, and since there were over 1600 attendees at the conference, obviously not all of them were attracted to a “comedy improv” healing workshop in the first place. Healing Improv is more for those that have found their hunger to live and laugh again but are having trouble getting there. It is not right for all grievers, especially the newly bereaved. But Healing Improv was only a small piece of the conference. There were sessions for women only, men only, suicide survivor support, sudden death support, lingering illness support, the newly bereaved, the more seasoned bereaved, using art, photography and writing to express your grief and many, many more. It was a weekend full of help and support for all aspects of grief for those that had lost children, in the past months, or decades ago. The sibling program, which is a newer addition to Compassionate Friends’ arsenal on grief was wonderful, and gave my 12-year-old daughter, who was 7 when her brother died, a weekend full of learning and meeting others who had suffered loss in their young lives as well.

And THAT is what the true magic of the weekend was all about; being with others who understand what it means to lose loved ones too soon. Our society treats grief like something we can “get over” and must “put behind us,” but those who have experienced the worst of it know that those two things never happen. For years, though we may seem fine on the outside, a word, or picture or song may bring it all back. You learn to live with the pain, you never forget. But what we really never forget is not so much the pain, but the love. The wonderfully clichéd saying “Love Never Dies” is 100% true. This weekend in Chicago, at the Hyatt Regency, while nearby a convention about the world of adult entertainment was going on (another story for another day, but quite a juxtaposition) 1600 people came together to celebrate the lives of loved ones who had died too soon, and proved beyond any shadow of a doubt “Love Never Dies.” They walked in remembrance on a beautiful summer morning with pictures and names of their departed loved ones, but there was laughter and camaraderie in their strides. They came to celebrate not only the love they had with these children, but the love they HAVE with these children. Though the physical bodies are no longer with us, their spirits and love never leave. The tears that were shed reinforced that at every turn. And for those of us there, knowing that all those around us knew they were tears of love, and that we all had the same tears to share, it turned into an uplifting and life affirming event, giving those who are still searching for their road forward hope, and allowing those who have traveled further down the path an opportunity to extend a hand backward into the dark forest of pain and grief, and offer help to those looking the road ahead.

In two weeks I am attending The Bereaved Parents of the USA’s National Gathering in St. Louis, to share Healing Improv again to those willing to find laughter within their new lives. I know what to expect there too.

Life.

Support.

Love.