Forgiveness?

Sigh, this is not a 'feel good piece' about how you should forgive for your own sake. Forgiveness is a tricky bird. You can say you forgive and find out later that deep in your heart, the blame rages on. To be honest, I do not get 'forgive' and set yourself free. For some people, they need to do that. For me, not so much. For years, I have forgiven others their transgressions against me, always finding excuses for their bad behavior and ways. It came to an end the night Tim died.

Tim is gone because of someone else's manipulations, hatefulness, and knowledge of what the end result of their acts would be. Their final comment to me was 'I'm not to blame, he did it to himself, it's all on him.' Those final words, 'it's all on him' tells me that they laid their guilt at his feet and absolved themselves of any wrong doing. This persons family threatened to stab me, beat me up, kill me, take something precious from me to make me hurt. They already took something precious from me. Their threats, because I chose to tell the truth, do not bother me.

The longs months have given me too much time with my thoughts. I looked at his death from so many angles that it looks like a prism. It all came back to the same person/persons. Each step in his destruction, layer upon layer, led to the loss of my son. I heard all the forgive for your own sake talks. I heard that it would eat me alive, be there with me every second. It hasn't. I don't think about these people much unless they put themselves on my radar. Which, since they can't seem to be able to shut up, comes about more than I like. Yet, I am able to see them as bugs beneath my shoe. I know that sounds wrong, but it is where they placed themselves.

For a long time, hate, revenge, retribution raged within my heart. How was it possible that they could go merrily on their way when he lay cold because of them? I don't care about that now for I know, Karma is working. I do not seek any of these things and do not feel hate as I watch their lives unfold before me. I don't feel pity for them either for they still practice their bad acts

Forgiveness is like grief, it is different for each one of us. Some need to forgive to move on. I do not. I admire those who can do this for I think it must take great strength and conviction. I have searched my heart and soul and that conviction is not there. The desire to forgive is not there, the need to forgive is not there. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. It makes me human. I have no suggestions on how to forgive for it eludes me. I think that it is an individual thing. I think that ones who say you must forgive mean well, but may have never walked this road, or are walking it different, their way. There are many ways to walk and no one way is the only way.

There are too many facets of emotions that rage within our hearts. Too many ups and downs and sideways. We navigate not only our sorrow but others conceptions of what we should and shouldn't do as well. Over these months, I have been accused of a few things. While they hurt and enraged me at the time, I have let them go. They are small things compared to the over all picture. I am learning to get my out of control emotions under control though they still jump out at the most inopportune times. Though forgiveness is not a part of my dictionary, I still applaud those that can. As with every thing else that has happened, it is my burden to carry, if burden it is. I can live with it.