Trauma and Survival

When your child struggles so too does the entire family. When your child experiences trauma so does the family and everyone who loves him/her. I think this aspect is often overlooked when sudden trauma hits close to home. In our experience it was the rape and subsequent cruelty Rehtaeh faced and then the PTSD that she suffered with sudden panic attacks and flashbacks. I was a witness to many of these attacks. I was often the receiver of these attacks as she angered easily, she was triggered easily and she reacted quickly. Suddenly your child is acting in ways that you do not recognize and now your trying to calm their anxieties and get them help. You explain to agencies that your child is suffering and try to get across the gravity of the situation. I recall having a conversation with one of the Staff Sergeants in charge of that specific unit where Rehtaeh’s case was under investigation. I felt desperate and was saying “you don’t understand, I don’t recognize my daughter! She is not the same person”. “Make sure you get her the help she needs” was his reply. “I have all my kids in sports to keep them busy” he continued. ”Pretty sure sports is not the answer here” - was my reply. It was infuriating since we were trying to do exactly that- get her help, get her justice, try to get the POLICE to ATTEMPT to contain that photo. He said these comments as if this had nothing to do with him or the police.

The pain of feeling the impact of your child taking out all her emotions on you and all her loved ones is a scary place to be. Her home is her safety net and that is where she acted out, cried, yelled etc. but the police seem to think she is doing well because she was articulate and able to express herself so I guess she presented well. Yes Rehtaeh was suffering but it was not just tears that we witnessed. The entire family dynamic changes because now you have a traumatized child in your home and help seems so far away. Then there were the times when we saw glimpses of our former child and there were the moments of hope. A big hug and a “I love you Mama!” were the times I told myself…life is going to be normal one day and we continue on.

I am writing this particular piece because I want other families that are struggling to know that feelings of powerlessness and trying so desperately to get “through this difficult time” is one that I understand all too well. It’s important to know that parents, siblings, aunts, friends also feel the trauma of our loved ones when they are suffering. It does not affect one person, it affects the entire family. While Rehtaeh was having her flashbacks and sudden onset of anxiety, depression, anger and a whole host of emotions so too were the people around her. I don’t think PTSD only affects the person who suffered the traumatic experience. I have flashbacks of the night Rehtaeh told me what happened to her. I still envision my daughter curled into a fetal position that night and purging all what happened to her that dreadful Saturday just 6days prior. The photo distribution and the cruelty that quickly followed. It flashes before my eyes and within my mind without me even thinking a thought. I recall holding the door frame for support. I recall going into some form of shock then trying to detach to get through the next moments, days etc. In that moment what did shock allow me to do? It allowed me to go into survival mode to get my relatives involved. To be able to go to the police station the next day with Rehtaeh to give her statement. By the next day I was able to go into “help my daughter” mode but the affects and the emotions came flooding in at various times over and over again. I mention the detachment, shock mode because I think we do have to find the value in what we “are” able to do. The thoughts of “I should have done that, or this” is useless and only adds to more sadness. What were you able to do? Those are your strengths in these times of utter despair

Watching your child (all the while trying to help) self-destruct before your eyes and rejoicing in the small victories that were once an everyday occurrence is something that takes its toll emotionally. I think society and our own outlook diminishes that aspect of struggle because we are focusing on getting our child to a safe place emotionally. There were times that I had to step back emotionally because honestly I was exhausted and that’s is perfectly normal as well but boy oh boy we don’t play nice with ourselves when that happens. I know there are many parents struggling and often we feel we are not good enough or else our child would be getting better. Remember that trauma affects the entire family. PTSD is a regular part of life for me now. They talk about a “new you” after grief but often the connection to that new person, new journey etc does not include the effects of PTSD. To all the parents suffering today and trying to help loved ones…please be a friend to you as well. You need to be gentle and kind! Your important too..