Why Do Only Some People Get Better?

In an effort to spread word of the book, "Shannon's Gift," I joined a widow and widower support group on Facebook – sadly, it has 3,605 members, not including me. 

After Shannon died, I was encouraged by many to find a support group.  I looked around a bit, but never did join one – I just relied on the unofficial one that formed organically around me.  Spending time on this group’s Facebook page makes me think that – at least for me - a support group might not have been a good idea at the time.

So to explain . . . I have spent a little time on the Facebook group page and have tried to mostly be a detached observer and occasionally be a supportive voice.  There are so many people there – many who lost a loved one longer ago than I lost Shannon – who are clearly still in a very, very dark place.  The site works just like you would expect.  Someone in pain dumps a post out there; other members offer virtual hugs, words of encouragement, share a bit of their story in how it might help, and so on.  The person who posted the original comment thanks everyone and off we go to the next post. 

The support is clearly helping people, but I am not sure if it’s the sort of help that would have helped me.  I don’t know exactly how I started to get better, but I do know that one piece of it was just how completely unacceptable I saw my current position.  I could not tolerate one more hour, let alone day, week, or month, as miserable as I was.  I think that a support group, because of the whole “misery loves company” thing, might have had the effect of making the misery normal and, ultimately, “acceptable.”

In the end, the experience of spending time on the page has made this question of “how do you get better?” important.  There is just too much misery out there.  And when I think about that, I wonder if the real question isn’t “why do you get better?”  Perhaps we know the steps – the “how” isn’t the mystery – rather, it’s something about who you are, how you instinctively respond to loss, and so on.  That makes sense to me – I am getting better because I just had no choice.  But that makes me grieve for all the people who perhaps have no choice but to stay miserable.