The Obligation to Replenish When Mourning

COURAGE doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

- Mary Ann Radmacher, writer

Grief is a transitional process that helps us adapt to a world without our loved one. This process is work, hard work and demands a commitment to meet the challenge of perpetual change. It calls for expending a tremendous amount of energy each day in dealing with sad memories and new circumstances without the physical presence of our loved one. Negative thoughts and hopeless beliefs are especially draining in this journey.

Therefore, the very nature of the grief experience demands that we take care of ourselves, to rest and recharge as needed. This should become an integral part of our grief work and direct our attention to without fail. Action in this regard is an absolute must. You owe it to yourself. What do we need to do to keep our health and prevent illness as we grieve? Here are seven considerations.

1. Push your "off button" every day. This means find a time and place where you can relax your body and mind. It could be in a quiet place in your home, where you can play relaxing music, or a special place in nature where you can see a scene or scenes that help you relax. Remember you are doing this so that you can do a better job of adapting to your great loss. Changing your focus will replenish your energy stores.

2. Take care of your brain. Yes, your brain. It runs everything and can mean the difference in the degree of unnecessary suffering you experience. Start with your brain on rising. Let the first thing you deliberately think or say to yourself be a positive statement. Make it one you believe in and repeat. Thus you may have to overcome anything negative that first immediately pops into your thoughts. This type of inside work never ends. Your thoughts produce your feelings. Choose to appraise events whenever possible in a positive way. It will affect your entire body. Work on thought control and you can affect your body for the better.

Taking care of your brain also means taking special care of what you eat. Remember, sugar promotes inflammation in the brain. Reduce or better, eliminate its consumption. Most important is to eat foods like walnuts, fish, and almonds for their omega-3 content and a variety of fruits and green leafy vegetables for their antioxidant content. Also use turmeric, a little known but powerful asset for brain health and its anti-inflammatory qualities. And don't forget, prayer or other spiritual practices helps brain function. Find out all you can about brain health as there is much more to know than what I have space for in this article.

3. Reconnect with life. This means finding a passion or purpose if you don't have one. No matter what your background may be, you have a contribution to make. Collaborate and work with others on projects. Volunteer. Find ways to give and help others. All of these kinds of activities will strengthen self-esteem and feelings of love. Again, these activities take time and commitment and are part of the process of adapting to a different life without the loved one.

4. Expect and manage loneliness. It is normal to feel a sense of loneliness at various times, even when we are not grieving. What most experts on loneliness say is needed is self-development. Think of that solution very carefully. It comes from the best minds in the business. It implies developing new skills, interests, places to go, routines, or reviving old interests you had when younger. Make a list of possibilities as the days go by. Then pick out one or two and give them your all.

Managing loneliness also means reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Accept a dinner out invitation. Get involved in a club or organization where you meet people. Become an expert in communication and developing relationships. That will result in a huge payoff in the way others relate to you. We need each other. It demands that we must take action. It won't happen unless we make it happen. In other words, your loneliness won't change unless you change.

5. Learn to deal with stressors. The big three stressors when mourning are: toxic people, toxic places, and toxic thoughts. As much as possible, stay away from people who say the wrong things at the wrong times. The same goes for those who are poor listeners, or dominate conversations that wear you out. Avoid places that bring back very sad memories. Later, when you are ready, you can plan on revisiting them. Start challenging negative thinking by having something to immediately say or do when those thoughts come into your mind. And they will. It is normal for them to reappear.

6. Hydrate. I deliberately left this out of taking care of your brain because it deserves a prominent place of its own. As a food, spring water is your best friend. Pretend it's your best medicine. Without sufficient quantities of water you will feel worse that you already do as well as have dizzy spells and headaches. The vast majority of your brain is water. Drinking water is the least talked about but arguably among the most important coping techniques you can develop. Before you eat anything else in the morning take a mere 8 ounces of water. Drink a minimum of 8 ounces at least three other times during the day, preferably between meals.

7. Make a collage of visual reminders. Initially, spend some time contemplating the new things you need or want to do (hopefully, some of the above). Then go through old magazines or advertisements that picture the goals you have set up and cut them out. Purchase a vision board or make one, if you are so skilled, and place it in your kitchen or other setting where you will see the cutouts several times a day. Each time visualize your goals and how you are moving toward them. Be patient. It takes time to adapt to the next phase of life.

You can get through your great loss. Yes, you will have some failures but learn from them. Get up and go at it again. Keep seeking knowledge and wisdom from others who have dealt with your type of loss. Take what you hear that seems right for you and let go of the rest. You will overcome.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Healing Grief, Finding Peace: 101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and was the founding President of Hospice & Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website ishttp://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.