Motherless Mother

As a young girl and even teenager I envisioned all the big events in my future with my mother by my side. From college graduation, engagement, wedding, birth of my first child and all those small everyday things in between. I could not wait until the day we could grow older together, when I could get to know her as another adult and my best friend not just my mom. Most of those big events and small events would come and go without her in them.

I have been reminded every day from the minute she passed that she is not with me to celebrate the victories and overcome the setbacks right by my side. The day she left I not only lost my mom, I lost my best friend, my biggest fan, support and the one who knew me better than anyone else.

Life is challenging enough losing your mom at a young age and becoming a motherless daughter. Then to become a motherless mother it becomes an entirely new challenge. I recall the day my first son was born. In the chaos of the day I recall thinking “I wonder when my mom will get here?” immediately after I asked my husband to please call her to meet her grandson. He starred at me blankly and everything rushed back to me so fast, my heart was broken all over again.

Being a mom you often question if you are doing a good job, you become scared over everything and need reassurance that it is going to be ok. Let’s be honest, there is only one person in the world that can make you feel at ease about all of those things, mom. I did not have anyone to call in the middle of the night when I am sleep deprived, baby is crying and I just need my mom to fall apart to on the phone. I will never know the feeling of hearing my children ask if they can “go to Nana’s house” to visit. I have spent my entire motherhood without so many of the little comforts that most take for granted on a daily basis. My oldest son often asks why I do not have a mom. I explain the best way I can to a four year old that “Nana is in heaven.” His innocent and honest reply, “Well, let’s go visit her in heaven.”  My heart breaks for him, why does his Nana have to live in heaven?

I grieve not only for myself and the fact that I feel robbed to be a motherless daughter and motherless mother, I grieve for my children that will never know their Nana. They will never know the warmth of her hugs, the sound of her voice, the way her smile could light up a room. They were robbed of a grandmother. I grieve for the memories that will never be, I grieve because I will never hear her say “you are a great mom,” I grieve because she was never able to see me become a mom, I grieve for everything she doesn’t know about her grandsons’, I grieve because I will never know the advice she would give me from mom to mom.

After I grieve, I stop and remember that I am in fact my mother’s daughter. She is not here to do and say all these things I grieve over and long for but deep down I know just what she would say and do.