Developing a Routine for Refocusing Attention When Mourning

Where your attention is focused so too is your energy expenditure and emotional disposition. Whenever we are dealing with distressful situations or suffering unnecessarily, the body uses an exceptionally large amount of energy and our energy stores can easily become quickly depleted. In addition, it is not uncommon for mourners not to take care of themselves and eat healthy foods or drink sufficient amounts of water. This adds to the drain on energy stores and feeling physically exhausted.

No one is immune from this phenomenon and the difficulties of having to deal with the many changes that occur in life especially when mourning the death of a loved one. Those who cope well with change usually possess a strong inner life and are determined to live in the moment and adapt to their new circumstances. A lifelong skill to be developed in this journey is becoming aware of when your thought life is dragging you down. Employing a routine to focus away from too much negative thinking is a mentally healthy action that anyone can take. Use negative emotions as another source of motivation to cope with your great loss.

There are a variety of ways to take charge of your thoughts and conserve energy. Through trial and error use, you can decide which ones work best for you. Employ them immediately when you realize you are adding to your misery. Here are a few possibilities to consider.

1. Healthy memories. A mother whose adult son had died very suddenly recently told me that "I think of all the good things he did for his family and for others." That was her answer when I asked her how she dealt with the pain of her great loss. Refocusing on memories involving trips or beautiful scenery can also be the thoughts you use to refocus. Go into detail with the memory so your attention becomes fixed on various aspects of the surroundings and people involved.

2. Successful coping techniques you have used. Make a list of the successful ways you coped with other changes in your life. This will take time as you think back on your life or other losses you have worked through. As time goes by, and you remember other successful actions, add them to your list. Of course, you can also look for ways others have coped well with their losses and consider using them as refocusing source.

3. Physical responses. For some mourners, getting up and doing something takes their minds off the thoughts that are causing pain. It could mean going to your computer, walking outside to pull a few weeds from the flower bed, using a two or three pound weight to do a few exercises, or walking upstairs to look out the window. The point is: do something in which your body is in motion and the movement becomes your attention-getter.

4. Focus on the love that is still all around you. Think of the people who you know love you by way of the way they relate to you, listen, and keep in contact with you. The people you know that care about you can be a wonderful resource to focus on and realize that their love is a powerful force in facing the future. If you believe in God or a Higher Power, become aware of the belief that the Creator is always there for you and will be forever at your side. Talk to Him. Thank Him. Seek His counsel.

5. Gratitude. Even though you are mourning, there are still things you can be grateful for. It could be that your loved one is no longer suffering and is out of pain. Or, you may deeply appreciate all of the help you have been given by friends, neighbors, and co-workers in your time of need. Focus on a specific incident where something was said or you were given a hug. Remember the wonderful dinner a neighbor brought over to you during the early days of your great pain. Start a grief journal where you write down at least two things you are grateful for every day. Then, as a way to refocus, go immediately to your journal and read several of the entries. It is easy to forget all that we still have and your journal will be a welcome reminder and help you reduce the negative thoughts crowding your mind.

6. Use a mindfulness exercise. Mindfulness exercises involve awareness and attention in the present moment. For example, a good mindfulness exercise is to turn your attention to a part of your body and notice the feelings you are experiencing. Then immediately take a deep abdominal breath and visualize exhaling through the tense area. Feel the change. "See" the change. Repeat with another breath. Enjoy the change as you relax that body part. You can learn to focus on physical feelings in your feet or legs as you walk from one room into another. Zero in on a particular muscle and feel it stretch or contract. There are a large number of mindfulness activities you can engage in and draw your full attention to as you take a break from your pain.

Finally, keep in mind that negative thoughts and feelings are a common part of life. When mourning, negativity often seems to increase. While it is good to allow the pain and sorrow to work its way through you each day, too many negative thoughts can often cloud judgment. Grief work is all about making choices and learning to adapt to change. Start developing your ability to reduce the amount of negativity you allow to stay in your thoughts by choosing one of the above as a routine to take your attention in another direction.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, Healing Grief, Finding Peace: 101 Ways to Cope with the Death of Your Loved One. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (After-Death Communication phenomena) and was the founding President of Hospice & Palliative Care of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His monthly ezine-free website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.