Mama's hands

Mama's hands. Hands that worked so hard. Hands that scrubbed floors, wipes noses and clutched onto a vodka bottle for many years.  Oh mama, I miss those hands. Those hands would rub my neck at the end of the day, pat my hand when I felt alone and pass me some money if I needed it.

How am I suppose to never feel those brown and withered hands again?  I have hands just like you mom. They are "working" hands. That is what she used to call them. I pray that my hands will be used in service for God. Over the past six months, my hands have been holding on to God's word so tightly, trying to find an answer as to why God needed her more than I did. I haven't found it. One of the many things my mama taught me about hands is to never grip anything too tight. Things on earth are perishable. They are fleeting. Eternity is forever. My mom taught me so much.  Not just from the 23 years of sobriety, probably more from the tears away from me.  As the mother of four kids, I have learned that motherhood isn't a skill you are born with.  It's a life where you start each day with less energy than you had the day before.  Motherhood is a life that stretches you both inside and out. It's a daily practice of laying down your will and desires for the care of others. It's an energy-sapping life where nothing belongs to you anymore—not your space, not your time, not your sleep. Some days feel like a bad version of Groundhog Day, a repeat of the day before.  

Prior to my mom's death six months ago, I often got caught up in the details of my "days".  Now I am just grateful to get through my days.  I would often get hung up and consumed by the chaos and unexpected situations  that would come my way. I often would struggle in my weakness against the current of life's challenges, only to make no headway at all. And most of the time I end up spent, weary, discouraged, and alone.  As a "daughter without a mother" I am slowly learning to prioritize, giving thanks to each and every moment I am given, treasuring those moments as gifts not burdens.