In The Moment

The one year mark approaches like a run-away freight train set on the highest speed. Our calender says it is one year, our heart cries out 'no', it was only a moment ago. Only a moment ago that they were by our side. We live in two dimensions. The one dimension is where the world has moved on, time has passed on a great scale. The other dimension, where we live the most, is yesterday, so many yesterdays. It is a constant moving picture with sound. We hear their laughter and voice, see their features move and live and the love that shines out from their hearts. The pain is not so raw, but still, it lives within our soul. It has taken up permanent residence, a reminder of happier times. A snapshot of what we thought the world was about until death came knocking. We are the only ones who remember, moment by moment, because of the depth of our love. The world has forgotten, or pushed their memory away. They did not love them as we do so they are able to move on.

I understand now why we do not know of this greatest pain of all unless we have lived it. If we had known, we would not have survived this world. If we had known what was coming. I can not imagine knowing about this horror before it arrived. I don't believe man/woman could live life if they had even a small knowledge of this, the deepest pain of all. It tells why they don't understand the ones who live in the fire. We can tell others till our last breath what it is, but unless they live it, they will never get it. They may feel a twinge of our sorrow, but they don't realize that the twinge is nothing compared to the reality. We spend our lives adjusting to death, loss, grief. We don't know that there are some losses that go so deep, so completely that there is no moving on from it. We don't realize that we have to travel with it. The sad thing is, we know that one day, the very ones who did not understand us will be standing on that same path with the full knowledge of what we went through.

I don't want to look back on this year and what it has done, but I have no choice. It is a part of my life, my memories, my heartache. The changes Tim's death brought have been world shattering, soul changing. Not just because he died, but because death itself ripped the facade off of so many. It brought to light so many lies and deceptions as well as truths. It changed worlds. It also brought us closer to those we love as well as enabled us to accept that some do not belong in our life. We are not who we were, so hard for others to accept, some refuse to accept it. It was as though we had been dreaming and now our eyes are wide open. I would rather be dreaming. Reality bites. Our imagination can not come close to the truth of this sorrow.

We lost more than our son that day, we lost us for a while, we lost the world as we knew it, we lost family and friends. Slowly we have built a new world, one that carries our sorrow with us. It is hard to know it will always be there but to fight it is a waste of breath. It seems that the more one fights the more it hurts. Accepting may seem like giving up but it's not. It just means that we know it cannot be changed. If you can't change it, you learn to live with it. We look at Tim's little boy and know the heartache that he will never know what a smart, wonderful, loving child he left behind. We cry for what is lost and grateful for what is here. Our daughter and grandsons are a blessing. We are amazed everyday by their love, compassion and understanding. They know we hurt, they know it has changed us and they know we love them. We cannot ask for more than that.

What is a year on the calender is only a moment for me. Though a fair amount of time has passed for the world, for me, it has and it hasn't. In grief, one does get stuck in a timeless place. This grief will always be a moment ago. I love my son no less now than I did before. I miss his laughter, his smile, his blue eyes. I miss so much about him that at times, I cannot breath. Sometimes it stops me cold and I have to wait for the waves of sorrow to wash over me and pass a little beyond. I cry for the little boy who called me mom, for the young man who became a daddy, for the life that will not be lived. I cry for the might of been, could have been, should have been. I cry for the loss of a loving son. The tears do not dry up just because time has passed. The sorrow does not fade away. One learns to adjust, live with what they have and allow themselves to hurt when they need to hurt. One also learns to not allow the thoughtlessness of others to crush their hearts. One learns to live in the moment.