Full Circle

That dreaded year of 'firsts' has passed. I know that there are still more ahead, but the rough ones are done. There will be places we go, things we hear, stuff we do that will still be a first without our son. These do not bring the heartache to mind that birthdays, holidays, death day did. They will not be without their pain, but still,  it will not be the pain of this last year. All of this has changed us, opened our eyes and showed us that before our loss, we did not know what true sorrow was. We know now and wish that we didn't. It taught us to look beneath the masks of others and accept things that seem too cruel to be real. We know that even ten years from now, twenty or thirty, there will be tears. The sorrow will not fade away completely, but walk along beside us. Grief is forever, we must learn how walk with it. We have come full circle, a new circle has begun.

Slowly, we have let the anger go. There are so many raw, intense emotions that we have had to learn to control and knock down to manageable size.  That has not been easy. The emotions caused by loss are almost more than a normal person can bare, but then, we are no longer normal as we learn to live in this 'new reality.' We have phobias, trust issues, sadness. We pushed ourselves to live again at a time when we did not want to. Just going to the grocery store was a trial and tribulation. I found that you have to keep pushing yourself, in time it becomes habit again. In the early days, there was no way. We found out the hard way not to do anything until you are ready to do it because even when you think you are ready it is difficult.

I look back over this last year and on some of it I can only shake my head for it made no sense to me then and it makes no sense now. All we asked of people was to give us time. Many were gracious and not only gave us time, but spent time with us. Their support and love went a long way in helping us move along this new path. They did not put time constraints on us or demand we do what they thought we should do. Instead, they stood solid, waiting on us. I will be forever grateful. Then there were the few that went completely the other way. Those are the ones I shake my head over in confusion. My step-son and his 'girlfriend', for reasons beyond us, became unhinged. They have tried repeatedly and still do to this day to turn family against us. We don't know why and were hurt and angry at first. Now, there is no anger and the hurt faded away quickly. We don't understand why they have done this and figure we never will. It is one of those times when you have to let go.

Our lives have changed so completely and there is no going back. We do find that we like who we are and are becoming regardless of those who do not approve. I am more outspoken, quicker to call someone on a lie then i was before. That does not set well with some. I will not apologize for things I have not done for I am done being the 'bigger person.' I will not say I am wrong unless I am wrong. I don't trust like I did before Tim died. Too many have shown me how misplaced my trust was. I love deeper, feel more compassion and am learning to see the colors of the world again. We who grieve are not the elite, but don't make the mistake of trying to walk on us just because we are broken.

We who have lost our hearts are different from the normal. Like it or not, that is how it is. We are different and we will always be different. The sad thing is, more and more join our new normal every day, every second of everyday. Normal will not understand us until they become broken too. We live in a world of our own now. It is hard sometimes to communicate with the other world because it seems we have nothing in common. It is not that way with everyone, but with many. We do not wish to be here, but we were not given a choice. Circles within circles.

On January 5 2014, we lost our 34 year old son to accidental drug overdose. A medicine that was prescribed but given to him in the wrong dosage. That night destroyed who we were. We have struggled to live again, to move a little forward from this deep pain. On January 5 2015 we moved a step forward. That does not mean we won't grieve anymore, oh how I wish that were true. It means that we have come full circle. We are learning to live with the sorrow because we know it is a part of our lives now. We step out a little more to touch those we love. We miss Tim desperately at times and at others it is a painful throb in our hearts. We do everyday things that seemed impossible in the beginning. It is true, one must start with baby steps, one step at a time, moment to moment. No one should tell you how they think you should grieve or how long it should last. No one knows this, not even the grieving for we are each different. May your circles become smaller and more manageable. With love from a "Forever Mom."