My Story

Where do I begin? Will I get ever get through this pain? I guess the answer is yes, I will. I have so far and it has been barely 14 months.
Mark was my # 6 son and my 6th child, I had 8. And when people ask me how many kids I have, I still say 8. Even though most who know me, know I have 7 remaining children. I am trying to be the mom I am suppose to be for the rest of the kids. I find it hard to be anything except numb. I co- exist with what is in front of me at the moment. I see the stove, I try to cook something, I see the shower, I try to undress and get in, I see the bills piling up, I try to go to work to make the money to pay them. I just co-exist, period. I am not living.

Mark liked to drink, sometimes he drank too much :'( He was trying to "kill" the emotional pain he was going through after his nasty break up with the mother of his children. All he ever wanted to do was be accepted for who he was, not what others wanted him to be. Drinking could have been his achilles heel. It always seemed to consume him, and try as he might to quit, it never happened.

Their relationship was very volatile, with many break ups, and many make ups. I thought once he was a father, he may simmer down but as usual, she said something or he would say something and the arguing was non stop. Mark finally left with his tail between his legs. :'( He wanted to start a whole new life, alcohol free, somewhere far away from her. But again, as usual, he let her know where he was simply because he wanted to be with his kids. He would send them money and buy them things, like jackets or shoes or outfits. It made him feel like he was NOT a failure as a father.

But one night he saw some 'new' photos of her and his kids, and he saw her posts about how happy she was he was out of her life , for good, and he saw she had another boyfriend, again.

This time he just could not handle the pain anymore and went out to get drunk! Totally shit-faced drunk! He just wanted to totally forget she ever existed! He went to his brothers house very intoxicated. He was met at the door saying he could not be there in that condition, so Mark left, but he returned 1/2 hour later with bruises on his face. His brother tried to clean him up a bit in hopes that a shower would sober him up. His face was turning blue so they raced him to the nearest hospital. All the while, Mark was throwing up blood and gasping for air. His brother kept giving him CPR in transit and when they got to the hospital, his brother kept telling the doctors he thought he may be bleeding internally due to a car hitting him or maybe he had gotten into a fight. The doctors obviously did not listen to him! It took 7 hours for the ER to finally realize Mark was indeed bleeding internally and they went with an emergency operation. Mark kept flat lining throughout the whole ordeal. They were suppose to transport him to a better hospital as soon as he was stabilized. That never happened.
I was on my way down there to be with him, we live about 200 miles away and we were doing 100 MPH to get there before anything "bad" happened. We were just about 17 minutes away from pulling into the parking lot of the hospital when we got the call that he did not make it. I just lost it........
I have not been the same since nor do I think I will ever be the same again. His birthday and angelversary have already past and we are coming up on it again. I do not know how I got this far without him. I feel broken to say the very least.

The Merced CA. police have deemed Mark's death as a homicide but they have yet to find out who did this to my son. They say he took a fatal blow to his stomach, rupturing his insides and have left it at that. Where is the justice? How am I suppose to feel anything besides empty, knowing there is someone out there who knows exactly what happened to him?