5 Reason Why I Take My Children to Funerals

In the last year, it seems I have been doing more writing for memorial services than blogging or working.  That’s what it has felt like anyway.  It’s been a challenging year to say the least.

First, it was the passing of my childhood best friend’s father, someone I had grown to know as part of my own family.

Three months later, a terminal diagnosis for my 92 year old grandfather, which left him only days to live. 

The following month it was my dad’s childhood best friend for over 50 years, who had been in my life since I was born.

This last year my family was inundated with death, accompanied by a roller coaster of emotions. Not the best scenario for a family that rarely discloses their feelings and is afraid of speaking about grief. 

I have to start by first saying that I cannot stand the word funeral. To me it epitomizes sadness and heartbreak. So instead, I choose to say the word memorial.  For me that gives a more positive tone, instead of dreariness and sadness associated with the color black, funeral and the word death.

Personally, I just don’t like it. Never have.

No matter how much I avoid that word, I’ve come to understand that death is inevitable, it is part of us. We are born into this amazing world, and someday we will pass away.  I used to hide from it, shielding myself and my children from what I thought to be life’s most horrific moments.

However, in losing my young daughter almost nine years ago in an auto accident, I had no choice but to learn about it, and strangely embrace it.  I came face to face with my biggest fear.

Not going to lie-it was absolutely terrifying and the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To look death in the eye takes courage and strength from a higher power. It is so permanent,  lonely, and completely dreadful.

Before Lydia died, I used to shield my children from death, rarely discussing it and never letting them attend funerals memorials. Protecting them from a once thought scary and foreign event, I struggled immensely with this. I was not confident in my own skin attending funerals-memorials, let alone having my children attend. It gave me a belly full of anxiety.

Funny how in eight years, all that has now changed.

Last year on my grandpa’s last day with us, as I looked around the room all I could think was how blessed this man, my grandfather really was. He had accomplished so much in his 92 years.  We were all gathered around the hospital bed, his children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and even great-great grandchildren.  Generations stretched from chair to chair. It was pretty incredible to see and something most of us can only dream of. Conversations of sadness and joyful memories filled the room as he took his last breath.  I know he would have been very proud.               

Being present when both of my grandparents passed away, I was able to experience something like never before. Before Lydia died, I would have intentionally avoided watching someone die, as it scared me beyond belief. However, having experienced the worst loss of my daughter, being there for my grandparents seemed like a natural event, something I did without hesitation.   It was beautiful and peaceful.  Their struggles and pain were over.  They were reunited in heaven and living the eternal life we are so blessed to receive.  

Suddenly, I was given another perspective.   

Looking and seeing the beauty of a long life lived was a profound an impactful moment.

Was death really so bad? Why had I hid from it for so long? 

Days later it was time for grandpa’s memorial service.  My four children had front row seats at one of life’s biggest moments.  Aged 3,5,7 & 11, they observed their aunt and uncles nervously speak in front of the crowd, watching with intensity as their mother stepped up to the podium, struggling to find her words, wiping away tears while telling everyone just what grandpa meant to her.

And they sat there quietly. What?  Yes, a rare occurrence where my four children here on earth remained quiet, intrigued and mesmerized for what was happening before them. 

And then, as family lowered the walnut colored casket into the ground, their eyes widened with curiosity.

It wasn’t long before the questions began. 

“Is grandpa in that box?”

“Where is he?”  

“How does God take you to heaven?” 

“How can you go if you are in the box?”

“Do you fly there?”

And on and on.

I smiled and held back tears as their questions were fired ever so rapidly at me. Their innocence was palpable and adorable.  I did my best to answer.

Opening those lines of communications to these inquisitive little beings, was something I used to avoid years ago, and would just simply “change the subject,” when anyone started talking about death or dying. Yet now, the conversation is more than welcome. 

I’ve learned that it’s about teaching them and exposing them to the inner workings of life while learning why we are here on earth in the first place and the amazing eternal life that awaits us. It’s about knowing and understanding with a grateful heart, the promises God has laid out for us.

Life and death are here to stay.  We were created to do good here on earth, and to receive our reward of eternity in heaven. 

Life goes by at an incredible pace and no matter how we like it our time here is very limited.  Every moment matters.

Death hasn’t scared my children. Conversely, it has made them blossom into who they were created to be.  It fills me with immeasurable joy that they are learning, growing and appreciating this short life we have been given.  

What’s even better?  They talk about it like it is normal, casual dinner table type conversation.

Grief.  It changes people.  

So when you ask yourself, should a child need to be a certain age to attend a funeral-memorial?  Here’s my take on it. Absolutely not.

Here are five reasons why I take my children to funerals-memorials.

• To experience the intense power of love. Raging emotions, tears, and sadness from even the strongest of people, we are all connected through the heart.  My children know they are loved and that it’s important to love others and treat them how they wish to be treated.   They to be humble and to be sensitive to others, understanding they may not know the struggles another is experiencing. Kindness matters. They’ve seen male figures in their life who may always appear strong, yet are able to embrace their emotions when the time comes and not be ashamed. No matter who we are, we feel, we love, we hurt, we experience joy, and sadness. Despite all this, we can survive and endure.

• It gives them a chance to say goodbye. So important.  My son never got to say goodbye to his sister. He was young when she died and didn’t completely understand, however, his childlike heart never questioned God.  He believed.  Having them attend memorials, gives them one last chance to say goodbye. One last chance to remember and share special memories, and to receive some type of closure. These are once in a lifetime moments that will never come again.

• I’ve learned that it’s imperative that children comprehend the essential concept that life is fragile and tomorrow is never guaranteed. By attending burials and memorials, children are able to grasp in their own ways that life doesn’t last forever.  This enables them to realize that we as humans are not invincible and that our bodies are indeed delicate, precious and need to be taken care of and handled with care. 

• Children are able to grow their faith.  They believe. They are confident, without question.   The concept of eternal life-to them, it’s a far off place, but a place that rests with deep longing in their hearts. Inquisitive and anticipatory, they envision a magical place in their minds.   They have hope and are confident knowing they will be reunited with their loved ones again.  My children often talk about reuniting with their sister and grandparents again someday. They trust in God and are filled with hope.

• Finally, by allowing children to go to a memorial service, it gives their complex minds the opportunity to grow, to broach all their unanswered questions and opens the gates for meaningful dialogue in a special area that may not always be an approachable subject.  This is a special time we should welcome and validate their feelings, not shy away from them, treating it just like any other conversation.

Grief is only uncomfortable and traumatic if we make it that way.  Our children need to be taught the circle of life as they learn from us and observe everything about us.  If we panic and are full of anxiety, then they will be too. If we remain calm and peaceful, they will follow our lead.   

There are no rules for the grieving. No set guidelines or standards, but only what feels comfortable for you and your family. There is no right or wrong, but most importantly just remember to follow your heart.