60 Days Without My First Born

How can this be true
My first born gone for 60 days
My first love gone for 60 days
The first person I knew I would love unconditionally gone for 60 days
My first person I could count on for anything has been gone for 60 days
Please tell me how this can be
Please tell me how something can hurt so bad
Please tell me how the tears flow like rain and come from out of no where
60 days without my first born

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About the Author
I am a 42 year old wife, mawmaw and mother of my two sons; Joseph born May 22,1991 and Austin born 3 1/2 weeks early on May 22,1996 . My special boys share the same birthday 5 years apart. Wednesday July 8, 2015 at about 8:45am, I was getting settled in at work when I got the worse call of my life. I answer my phone and I hear my ex husbands voice say "something happened to Joe. He fell out in his hotel room (he was working in Minnesota) and is on a ventilator" the rest of the phone calls for the next 36 hours is a blur. We immediately got flights from Alexandria, La to Duluth, Minnesota, but didn't arrive to the hospital until Thursday July 9 around 12:30 and my son passed away in my arms at 1:52am. Cause of death, pulmonary embolism due to something most people have never heard of, Economy Class Syndrome". He took 12 flights per month for work and developed blood clots from lack of enough movement. I am broken hearted and feel as if I can't breathe sometimes.
I'm Grieving, Now What?