Grief Confusion - When We Don't Know Which Way is Up

"I don't know which end is up. I'm so confused," Donna said.

Donna's daughter Lacey was an elementary school teacher who was making a difference. Lacey had a supportive husband and two little girls. She was enjoying her life, family, and career, until sudden severe headaches revealed multiple lesions in her brain. Lacey died within a year. She was 31.

"It happened so fast. On the other hand, it seemed like everything was in slow motion. We couldn't get enough time. Now, I wake up in the middle of the night, my thoughts racing. My mind is all over the place. Did that really happen? No, it couldn't have. Not Lacey. She can't be gone. I need to call her." Donna continued.  

"It's like I experience her death over and over again, multiple times every day." 

Loss is confusing

Experiencing some mental confusion in grief is natural and common. Loss hits us on all fronts. The death of a loved one is confusing. 

We're confused about how such a thing could happen. Surely it didn't have to be this way. Certainly someone somewhere could have done something at some time to stop this from happening.

We're confused about what to think and how to feel. We're confused about who we are now and how to live life. How do we live on when our loved one is dead?

We're confused about all the changes that are occurring. The losses keep piling up. We bump into another source of pain with every step. Our child is gone, and this changes everything. 

We're confused about other people and our relationships. Some people we counted on have disappeared. Others act weird and tentative around us, like our grief is some kind of contagious disease. 

We're confused about how to deal with all this in a healthy way - including how to be there for our kids and other family members. How can we care for others when we're barely able to get out of bed? How do we support others who are grieving when our shattered hearts are in pieces strewn all over the place?

We're confused about the future. How do we think about that? The future we expected and hoped for is gone. Whatever dreams we had have been either crushed or mangled beyond recognition. 

The world as we knew it is no longer. 

Yes, this is confusing. 

"No wonder I'm confused. Life without you is unimaginable."

Questions to consider:

Since your loved one’s death, what have you found yourself confused about? Consider making a list. 

From your list above, which have been the most difficult for you? 

Which item on your list are you struggling with the most right now?

Can you think of a healthy action step you can take in dealing with this issue (i.e. talking to a safe person, a support group, writing, serving, etc.)?

Adapted from the newly released bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. Watch the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle.