Grief Mountian

After losing my husband, soulmate, lover, best friend and sounding board, I did not know where to go or what to do. The funeral was over. Friends and family went home and on with their lives. My house which was filled with people was suddenly empty. The hospital bed that my husband used was gone. I had spent the better part of 5 years caring for him while the Multiple Sclerosis ate his body and continued to take more and more from him. Aides, hospice, Doctors, Social Workers... nobody could prepare me for that phone call. I had just left for work. He was so full of life. I kissed him and told him I would come home early. He smiled and mouthed "I Love You". I realize now that he knew and he did not want me to be home when he passed.

I sat and stared at the flowers all over my home. The refrigerator was full of food. That's one thing that folks do at a time like this... they cook and bring  you food. Cakes, cookies, pasta, sandwiches... as a society we accept this because you have to eat. Even when you are grief stricken, you have to eat. Seems like everyone I saw tilted their head and asked "Did 'ja eat somethin?". I really appreciated everything because there was no way I could have cooked for all the people who came to pay their respects.

Here I was, married only 7 years to this man who I fell in love with at 15. We were brought back together so many years later for a reason. We used to tell everyone the "Pete" story as he called it. I didn't know what to do. I had "free" time now. What was I supposed to do with that time now? After much lamenting, I started to write. First it was so difficult because all i did was cry. I decided to share my journey climbing Grief Mountian. I describe it as a daily uphill battle. You have to climb it by yourself. There will be people who can help you but it is your climb to do. Every step, every inch... yours. You will get cut up, scratched up, and at times, you feel like you cannot go on anymore. Then in the distance, a plateau which is beautiful to look at. You glance down and see how far you have come. Then you realize just how far you have to go. It is overwhelming. It takes your breath. You suffocate on the emotions. Shaking your fist at the Big Man upstairs demanding an answer as to why this is happening. What have you done to deserve this?? No answers, no ... there won't be.

My faith has helped me try to decipher this foreign language of grief. I do not know if i will ever  understand it. I do believe that one day, the love of my life will come to take me to the home in Heaven he is building for us and we can continue our forever. I am not anxious to get there because I have SO much to do here.

Everyday, I climb a little bit further. I no longer look up. I look down to see how far i have come. I value and treasure every day. I want desperately to be at peace with myself and my feelings. It will take time. I ignore those who want to "introduce me to someone" or suggest that I should be "moving on". No. I will not move on, i will however, move forward. I am not sure what that means right now. But I will continue to do what I am doing. This is my journey, MY climb, MY grief. I have to do this by myself and I will accept a helping hand here and there. I do know that there will be setbacks. That's ok. Really, it is.